I’ve never believed that it is essential to do everything one can to save every romantic relationship. Some are chapters, not lifetimes — and that’s okay. I remember knowing, even while I was still in it, that my college sweetheart and I weren’t going to grow old together. We loved each other, but we didn’t align in the ways that mattered most, and we may have stayed together longer than was beneficial for both of us. Years later, when I first heard about discernment therapy, the idea resonated with me. It was the kind of approach I wish we’d known about back then — not to save the relationship, but to understand better what the relationship did and did not provide for each of us, and how to part with clarity instead of confusion.
What Is Discernment Therapy?
Discernment therapy is a short-term, structured form of couples counseling designed for partners who are uncertain about whether to stay together or separate. Unlike traditional couples therapy, which assumes both people want to work on the relationship, discernment therapy meets couples during times of indecision, rather than when they are already committed to working on their relationship. It does not aim to fix problems in the relationship. Instead, it provides a platform to understand each person’s perspective and offers a forum to find direction.
The goal isn’t the resolution of a relationship’s problems. It’s the relief of knowing which path forward to take, bringing a sense of reassurance and peace.
Who Benefits From Discernment Therapy?
Discernment therapy offers support to a couple when:
One partner is leaning toward leaving, and the other wants to stay.
Both partners feel stuck in indecision.
There’s ambivalence, and both parties desire to explore the relationship’s future in a respectful manner.
It’s not for couples who have already decided to stay together and want to improve communication or intimacy. It’s for those who are still asking: Should we even try?
What Happens in a Session?
A discernment therapist typically works with couples over 1 to 5 sessions. Each session includes both joint and individual conversations. The therapist helps each partner reflect on:
- Their role in the relationship dynamics.
- What they have already tried and how it has gone.
- What a future together might realistically look like.
- Whether separation might be the healthiest path forward.
Significantly, the therapist doesn’t push for reconciliation or for the couple to separate. They guide the couple toward a thoughtful, informed, and intentional decision.
A Different Kind of Help
What struck me most about discernment therapy is how it acknowledges the uncertainty that many couples experience. Anxiety, hurt, and other complex feelings that many feel during times of uncertainty can sometimes lead couples to separate peremptorily or try to stay together when the relationship is not meeting the needs of one or both individuals. The discernment process respects the complexity of the feelings and needs involved, as well as the emotional weight of deciding whether to continue or end them. While both partners may not be equally content with the ultimate decision, both leave with better clarity about their feelings and those of their partner.
A Story That Could’ve Been Mine
Imagine a couple where one partner feels emotionally disconnected and is quietly considering divorce, while the other is still hopeful and committed. Traditional therapy typically begins with the assumption that both partners are willing to work on their issues and explore each other’s perspectives to foster greater commitment and intimacy. But discernment therapy would start by asking: Are you on the same page about wanting to try?
That question alone can shift everything.
Benefits and Limitations
Benefits:
- Offers clarity without pressure.
- Respects the perspectives, feelings, and needs of each partner.
- Helps avoid impulsive decisions.
- It can lead to more peaceful separations or committed reconciliations.
- Clarifies issues if couples decide to proceed to couples therapy or another forum to address their relationship.
Limitations:
- Not a long-term solution
- Doesn’t endeavor to make substantial progress on relationship issues such as trust, communication, or intimacy.
- Requires both partners to be willing to explore, even if they’re unsure.
Final Thoughts
Discernment therapy isn’t about saving or ending a relationship — it’s about making a conscious, informed, and mutually understood choice. It’s a pause, a mirror, a moment to ask: What do I want? What are we capable of?
If you’re at a relationship crossroads, this approach might offer the clarity you need — not to make a decision quickly, but to make a decision wisely.
-Posted by Dani Delgado, LCPC
Dani Delgado, a therapist at Jonah Green and Associates, LLC, offers therapy services for children, teens, families, and adults in North Bethesda, Maryland, serving clients in Montgomery County, DC, and the surrounding areas.