“I hope I’m at least half the dad that he didn’t have to be.”
—Brad Paisley, He Didn’t Have to Be
Stepfamilies are often born in transition and pain, arriving after divorce, separation, or loss. Blending a new family means juggling a swirl of tasks: establishing routines, balancing loyalties, negotiating boundaries, and developing traditions.
As I wrote in my post Step-by-Step for Stepfamily Success, these tasks are especially delicate for stepparents. They require patience, not to push or demand love, but to cultivate humility and gain consent from multiple family members before taking the next step. The role requires a willingness to keep showing up even when tensions run high.
The Challenges Stepfamilies Face
Bonnell and Papernow, in The Stepfamily Handbook, describe challenges that often weigh on families:
- Insider/outsider dynamics: Stepparents may feel invisible, while children may feel deprived of attention; remarried parents often feel “caught in the middle.”
- Conflicts over loyalty: children may fear that affection towards one adult betrays the loyalty of another.
- Conflicting styles: stepparents seek respect, while biological parents may lean toward leniency.
- Blending traditions: Merging cultures takes time, especially when dealing with ethnic or religious differences.
- Outside influence: ex-spouses and in-laws can support or undermine the fledgling family.
With such delicate and complex tasks, constructing a functional stepfamily is a process that requires attunement towards multiple needs and patience.
The Story of Freely Chosen Love
And yet there is another story to tell about stepfamilies—one of possibility.
Paisley’s He Didn’t Have to Be is an anthem to perhaps the most poignant quality of stepfamily life: love freely chosen. The stepfather in the song teaches, guides, and cares—not because he has to, but because he has decided to.
Stepparents have no legal or traditional mandate to offer love. And yet many do, freely giving and receiving it. The power of freely chosen love can build something extraordinary.
How Stepparent–Stepchild Love Grows
Stepparents can nurture love through small, steady choices:
- Cheering from the bleachers, even when the child avoids eye contact.
- Showing up to help with homework without expecting thanks.
- Keeping the door open with warmth, even when a child remains guarded.
- Speaking kindly about the child’s other parent.
At the same time, stepparents must resist stepping into discipline—or even too much nurturance—too soon. These roles are best led by the biological parent, at least initially, while the stepparent focuses on building trust and fostering connection.
The biological parent plays a vital role: insisting the child treat the stepparent with respect, and modeling that the stepparent is trustworthy. With patience and consistency, an environment of safety and respect can be fostered, allowing love to flourish.
The Possibility of Enrichment
When stepfamilies approach these tasks—building trust slowly, respecting children’s existing bonds, and allowing relationships to unfold at their own pace—the rewards can be profound.
Stepfamily love is a testament to human generosity. It is the enrichment of lives intertwined by choice, not blood. New constellations of family, defined by mutual respect and shared experiences, can cohere.
A Story Worth Singing About
Stepparents don’t inherit ready-made roles. They co-create them with the other adults and children in the family. When they attune to children’s needs, take into account the thoughts and feelings of other adults, demonstrate patience, and offer steady, freely chosen love, that love takes on a special meaning—a story worth singing about.
Paisley’s song captures this enduring influence. When the stepson grows up and has a child of his own, he looks back at his stepfather as the model, hoping to be “half the dad” that his stepfather “didn’t have to be.”
-Posted by Jonah Green
Jonah Green, a therapist at Jonah Green and Associates, LLC, offers therapy services for children, teens, families, and adults in North Bethesda, Maryland, serving clients in Montgomery County, DC, and the surrounding areas.