Ideas from Ximena Vengoechea’s book Listen Like You Mean It
Listening can transform relationships. When someone feels genuinely heard, their nervous system settles, defensiveness softens, and something shifts. Conversations move from attack and retreat—or from listless information exchanges—to a feeling of being known.
Ximena Vengoechea’s 2021 book Listen Like You Mean It offers practical strategies to improve your listening and foster clarity, connection, and trust.
Here are a few ideas from the book that can strengthen your listening skills and deepen your relationships:
Cultivate a Listening Mindset
Good listening begins with curiosity—notice emotions as well as content, and let others take the lead. Open-ended questions like “What was that like for you?” or “Tell me more” encourage deeper sharing and understanding.
Stay Present
Maintaining a present focus strengthens the connection between you and the person you’re speaking with. Notice distractions and gently bring your attention back to the conversation. Paraphrasing, summarizing, and asking for clarification can help you stay grounded and engaged.
Observe Beyond Words
Tone, posture, and facial expressions often reveal unspoken feelings. Noticing these cues and wondering about the feelings behind them can enhance attunement and understanding.
Know What the Speaker Is Asking For
We all have familiar conversational modes—fixing, validating, analyzing. But people don’t always want the default mode we use. A simple clarifier—“What would be most helpful right now?”—can prevent misunderstandings and make the interaction feel collaborative.
Deepen, Reflect, and Guide Gently
Exploratory questions—“What part was hardest?” “What stands out most now?”—invite reflection. Brief reflections (“It sounds like what touched you was…”) help people feel heard. Gentle redirecting can keep things moving: “You mentioned wanting to return to something else—shall we shift there?”
Attune to Your Emotional Barriers
We all carry emotional filters—wounds, assumptions, anxieties—that shape what we hear. Vengoechea notes that listeners often lose presence not because they’re careless, but because something within them is activated. A past hurt, an insecurity, or a quick judgment can narrow our attention. Noticing internal cues—tightening in the chest, irritation rising, a rush to rebut—helps us pause and re-center. Acknowledging these reactions allows us to return to the conversation with greater focus, humility, and compassion.
Honor Your Limits
Good listening takes energy. Vengoechea emphasizes the importance of pacing yourself, setting boundaries, and recognizing when you need a break. Being mindful of your limits helps you listen effectively without burnout and maintain a genuine connection over time.
Applying These Ideas
You can apply the ideas in Listen Like You Mean It across settings—family, work, or social interactions. Small efforts such as staying curious or setting boundaries can enhance listening in each context, strengthening trust and connection throughout your relationships.
When we listen like we mean it, we don’t just improve conversations—we transform the relationships that matter most.
-Posted by Jonah Green
Jonah Green, a therapist at Jonah Green and Associates, LLC, offers therapy services for children, teens, families, and adults in North Bethesda, Maryland, serving clients in Montgomery County, DC, and the surrounding areas.