Amelia and Hunter hadn’t spoken to each other for a couple of days. An argument about bedtime with their son had lingered, leaving both parents irritable and emotionally distant.
A few mornings later, their six-year-old, Felix, asked his father quietly, “Daddy… why aren’t you talking to Mommy?”
“I’m busy with work,” his dad replied, gently closing the door to his home office on his son.
Felix wandered into the kitchen to find his mother gathering her things for the school drop-off. “We’re running late,” she said. “Get your jacket, backpack, and put your shoes on!”
Felix began to obey, then sat down by the front door and stared at his shoes. His stomach felt tigh and he did not like it. “Mom,” he called out, “I need help with my shoes.”
“We’ve been through this before, Felix,” she said in an exasperated tone. “You know how to tie them. Please hurry—we have to leave.”
“But I don’t know how!” he insisted.
“Felix, put your shoes on right now or there will be no screen time after school!”
Now overwhelmed and angry, Felix grabbed one shoe and slammed it onto the floor.
“What are you doing?!” his mother exclaimed. “That’s it—no screen time. Get your things. We’re leaving.”
Tears welling up, Felix put on his backpack, tucked his jacket under his arm, picked up his shoes, and followed his mother to the car.
What’s Happening in Moments Like This?
In this scene, being difficult is not the main driver for anyone. Each family member has gone beyond their level of emotional resilience during interactions with others.
Resilience is our capacity to handle stress, stay emotionally regulated, and think clearly under the pressure of real-time interactions. Considering family arguments from this point of view can help families get a hold of their minds, build stronger connections, and manage challenges better.
When that happens, both children and adults may react in ways they later regret—not because they don’t care, but because their nervous system is overloaded.
Why Family Stress So Easily Spreads
Families are deeply interconnected mentally. When one person is stressed, overwhelmed, or emotionally shut down, others often feel it too. A tense relationship between parents doesn’t stay contained—it quietly shapes a child’s sense of safety and developing ability to self-regulate.
Parents know this feeling well: the moment you become convinced that your child or partner is the problem, and that if they would just behave differently, everything would be fine. That’s often a sign that stress has taken over the parent and their own flexibility has dropped.
When this happens, it can feel hard for anyone to calm down on their own. Family members can unintentionally keep each other stuck in reactive patterns, even when everyone wants things to be better.
Resilience includes not just how much stress we can tolerate, but also how quickly we can recover once we’re overwhelmed.
Stressful Moments Can Be Used to Build Resilience
When we’re overwhelmed, it rarely feels like an opportunity. It feels like failure, frustration, or exhaustion. But these moments—handled earnestly—can actually help children and parents grow stronger together.
Just like muscles grow when you challenge them and need time to recover, emotional resilience grows when stress is present but manageable. Too little stress, and there’s no growth. Too much stress, and everyone goes into survival mode.
Children build resilience best when they experience stress with support. They don’t need parents to be perfect—they need parents who can notice when things are getting hard, slow things down, and face their own challenges. When parents succeed in self-regulating in front of their kids, they empower their children to develop their own resilience.
The same is true for parents.
Learning to recognize when stress is taking over and to respond with tolerance, or even curiosity, rather than urgency or punishment can gradually strengthen a family’s ability to weather everyday challenges. Over time, these small moments can improve emotional regulation, connection, and a family’s overall sense of well-being.
Posted by Aron Carlson, LCSW-C
Aron is a therapist at Jonah Green and Associates, LLC, which offers therapy services for children, teens, families, and adults in North Bethesda, Maryland, serving clients in Montgomery County, DC, and the surrounding areas.