“The space between
The tears we cry
Is the laughter keeps us coming back for more.”
—Dave Matthews Band, The Space Between
It takes immense courage to come to therapy. Individuals reveal thoughts and feelings that may make them feel embarrassed and confront realities they have long avoided. For families, barriers may be even higher. Family members risk having private struggles exposed; they may also fear that the therapist may not understand their perspective, or even ‘side against them.’ Yet, despite their fears, the pain of arguments, hurt, distancing, trauma, loss, or addiction, along with their courage and a shared commitment, can lead them to family therapy.
Discovering the Space Between
When I meet with families, I strive to honor their courage and needs by helping them view their problems in a new and more positive light. I invite them to picture the space between—a place that is neither one’s nor another’s position, but something created together. Here, new perspectives can surface and old scripts can loosen. It becomes a shared space where every voice matters and something different can take shape.
Reframing: a Transformative Tool
Reframing is a powerful tool that can open up new perspectives and possibilities in the shared space. It helps people view a familiar interaction in a softer, more generous light, paving the way for understanding and healing.
Example: A mother says, “My teenage son never listens. He’s so disrespectful.” I might respond, “It sounds as if you want to feel that what you say still matters to him—that you still count in his world.”
That shift—from “disrespectful” to a mother’s wish to matter—can help uncover the mother’s inner needs. From there, I might add doubling, speaking the unspoken in the mother’s own voice: “I miss the days when you’d tell me what was on your mind, and I worry I’m losing our closeness.” Hearing those words can invite the son to respond with more empathy than a confrontation would.
Other Ways to Enter the Space
- Naming the Pattern. “When Dad raises his voice, everyone retreats; when everyone retreats, Dad feels even more unheard.” Seeing the cycle helps the family move away from blaming each other.
- Relational Questions. “How much do you think your sister worries about disappointing you?” Questions like this encourage perspective-taking and shift the family from a defensive to a curious stance.
- Experiential Moments. I suggest facilitating shared breaths together or a moment of eye contact, which gives the family a sense of this new space.
Why It Matters
In this ‘between-space’ that the therapist and clients develop together, families discover that they are more than just their conflicts or pain. It is here that empathy takes root, and solutions grow from a deeper understanding.
As the Dave Matthews Band reminds us, it is often in “the space between” that healing takes shape.
-Posted by Jonah Green
Jonah Green, a therapist at Jonah Green and Associates, LLC, offers individual and family therapy, including parent-adult child counseling, in North Bethesda, Maryland, serving clients in Montgomery County, DC, and surrounding areas.