Families naturally come to therapy focusing on problems. Eager to address grief, trauma, or conflict in a safe environment, conversations circle what isn’t working—how people hurt others from what they say or don’t say, who is at fault, and what feels broken. Therapists must make space for people to express and hear each other’s pain.
At the same time, there is almost always another story in the room, quieter and easier to miss. Moments of care, stories of resilience, or small gestures that didn’t turn into conflict. Ways people have already tried—sometimes successfully—to reach each other.
Appreciative Inquiry, a flexible approach that focuses on strengths and successes, is one way therapists help families find that other story.
A Different Kind of Question
The questions therapists ask families help shape how they feel about each other and how easily they can connect.
When a therapist asks, “Why does this keep happening?”, the conversation often tightens.
If, instead, they ask, ‘Can you tell me about a time when this went a little better?’ it can feel unfamiliar or challenging, but the family story can shift from one of problems to one of hope, success, and connection, even during times of challenge.
Words Create the World We Live In
One guiding idea behind Appreciative Inquiry, which shares commonalities with solution-focused and narrative approaches, is that the way we talk about events shapes our experience of them.
If the story becomes, “We’re always fighting,” then interactions fit that frame.
When families ask:
- “When do we not fight?”
- “What helps us get through hard moments?”
- “What do we appreciate about each other?”
A different and fuller picture emerges.
What Therapists Listen For—and Invite
In appreciative work, the pain of loss, trauma, disability, and difficult transitions—like divorce or illness—is taken seriously and held with care. At the same time, the therapist listens for:
- Where are there threads of connection?
- When have family members shown up for each other?
- What values does this family live by, even under strain?
And then the therapist helps bring those moments into the conversation, you might hear questions like:
- “When you think about your family at its best, what stands out?”
- “Can you remember a time—even a brief one—when you felt understood?”
- “What helped you get through that period together?”
- “What does that say about who you are as a family?”
These questions highlight strengths, helping families recognize what’s already working and feel more capable and hopeful.
From Remembering to Reimagining
As families notice what has worked—even in small ways—they can start to reimagine what they want more of, inspiring hope and motivation for positive change.
A couple going through a painful separation might realize:
“Even now, we can talk calmly about the kids when we slow things down.”
A parent and teenager in conflict might notice:
“We do better when we talk in the car—side by side, not face to face.”
A family coping with illness might say:
“We still laugh together, even on hard days.”
In the Midst of Loss and Transition
Appreciative questions can sit alongside and help validate grief, trauma, and loss through questions such as:
- “What has helped your family get through other hard times?”
- “What do you want to hold onto about your relationship, even as things change?”
- “What would honoring your connection look like in the wake of this tragedy?”
A Way of Being, Not Just a Technique
Through Appreciative Inquiry, families begin to take on that same stance:
- noticing effort
- naming appreciation
- remembering successes
- speaking to each other in ways that make connection possible
Bringing It Into Everyday Life
You don’t have to be in therapy to bring such questions into everyday life.
You might try asking:
- “What was one good moment for you today?”
- “When did we feel most like ourselves this week?”
- “What’s something you appreciated that I did, even if it was small?”
- “What do you want more of in our family right now?”
A Gentle Reframe
Families transform not just from solving problems, but from seeing themselves differently—and treating each other in ways that reflect that new understanding.
Appreciative inquiry helps families remember:
We are more than our hardest moments.
Over time, families can begin to see themselves differently. And from there, something new can begin.
-Posted by Jonah Green
Jonah Green, a therapist at Jonah Green and Associates, LLC, offers therapy services for children, teens, families, and adults in North Bethesda, Maryland, serving clients in Montgomery County, DC, and the surrounding areas.