How curiosity, a little knowledge, and genuine interest can bring couples closer
You don’t have to love everything your partner loves. But it can mean a great deal when you make an effort to understand.
Suppose your partner is passionate about baseball, while you couldn’t care less about sports. You might listen politely when they talk about a game, but you don’t really understand what they’re saying. After a while, you might stop asking.
Now imagine you learn the names of a few favorite players. You understand why a particular rivalry matters. You even remember that there’s a big game coming up and ask how it went.
You haven’t necessarily become a baseball fan. But you’ve communicated something important: I care enough about you to learn a little about something that matters to you.
And that can be a surprisingly meaningful expression of love.
Curiosity Is a Wonderful Beginning
In couples therapy, we often encourage partners to become more curious about one another.
Rather than assuming we already understand what our partner thinks or feels, we can ask questions. We can listen with genuine interest. We can try to understand experiences that are different from our own.
But curiosity becomes even more powerful when we follow through.
If your partner loves gardening, you might learn the names of a few favorite flowers. If they’re fascinated by history, you might become familiar with a period they especially enjoy. If they practice yoga, you might learn what they find rewarding about it.
As we become more familiar with your partner’s world, it becomes easier to be curious about it. We can ask better questions, appreciate new developments, and sometimes even discover that we enjoy aspects of it ourselves.
Building “Love Maps”
Couples researchers John and Julie Gottman popularized the idea of Love Maps: the knowledge we develop about our partner’s inner world.
A Love Map includes the important people in our partner’s life, their hopes and dreams, their worries, their favorite activities, and the experiences that have shaped them.
The Gottmans have even developed Love Map cards, with questions designed to help partners continue learning about each other.
I particularly like the idea that these maps are never finished. People change. Their interests evolve. New concerns and aspirations emerge.
The better we know someone, the more opportunities we have to show them they matter.
We can also extend the Love Map idea beyond knowing what interests our partner to understanding something about those interests.
Knowing that your spouse loves classical music is a beginning. Learning which composers move them, and perhaps listening together to a favorite piece, can create another opportunity for connection.
A Little Effort Can Mean a Lot
Of course, none of this should become another obligation or test in a relationship. Time is limited, and it’s perfectly healthy for partners to pursue interests independently or share them with friends. The goal isn’t to become involved in everything our partner does.
Instead, take small, occasional steps into their world.
You might ask your partner to explain something you’ve never understood. Read a short article about a subject they love. Watch part of a program together. Or remember something they mentioned and ask about it a few days later.
Sometimes the most meaningful gesture is simply bringing up the subject yourself.
That communicates not only that you listened, but that you remembered.
What Makes It Meaningful
Ultimately, what makes your interest in your partner’s interests is what those efforts communicate. When someone we love takes an interest in something that matters to us, we may feel appreciated and understood. And when we make that effort ourselves, we sometimes discover new dimensions of our partner—things we might otherwise have missed.
We don’t have to share all our interests to share our lives. But every so often, learning a little about something our partner loves can be another way of saying:
I want to keep getting to know you.
-Posted by Jonah Green
Jonah Green, a therapist at Jonah Green and Associates, LLC, offers therapy for children, teens, couples, families, and adults in North Bethesda, Maryland, serving clients in Montgomery County, DC, and the surrounding areas.