You’re on a well-deserved date night with your loved one. You hired a babysitter to watch the kids and made reservations for a restaurant you had wanted to dine in for some time. You even scored a table by the window with a great view. As you’re biting into your food, your partner looks out the window and exclaims, “Look at that bird!”
You have a choice at that moment. You can reply with a quick, “Uh-huh” while continuing to focus on your meal and move on to the next topic on your mind, or you could follow your partner’s gaze and respond with, “Oh yeah, that’s a beautiful bird!”
That small act of attunement can predict the future of your relationship with your partner. You may not realize it, but that was their bid for connection.
What are Bids for Connection:
Dr. John Gottman, a world-renowned clinical psychologist known for his breakthrough research on relationships, has observed couples in his “Love Lab” for over 40 years. He found a significant indicator of how likely a couple will stay together long-term: How well they respond to one another’s bids for connection.
Bids are verbal or non-verbal attempts to connect with our loved ones. They can include a physical gesture, a facial expression, a question, or a comment. Some examples of verbal bids may be:
- It’s going to be cold today.
- Are you excited about dinner tomorrow?
- I’m feeling nervous about my presentation.
- I listened to a great podcast the other day.
- How was your day at work?
Non-verbal bids may include a hug or a kiss, a smile or a wink, eye contact, or a sigh.
Turning Towards
Turning towards or accepting a bid means paying attention to your partner, which helps them feel seen and strengthens trust, as well as emotional and physical connection. It can be as simple as offering a smile, a hug, saying “I hear you; tell me more”, asking a follow-up question, or making a comment. When you turn towards your partner, you deposit in your relationship’s Emotional Bank Account. Building and storing up positive, emotional savings can help your relationship during challenging times.
Based on Gottman’s research, couples in happy, lasting relationships (Relationship Masters) turn towards one another about 86% of the time. In contrast, couples who are more likely to divorce (Relationship Disasters) turn towards one another only about one-third of the time.
Turning Away and Turning Against
Even the most loving, attuned couples turn away from one another’s bids for connection some of the time. In a world where constant distractions are literally in the palms of our hands, and multitasking has become part of our day-to-day reality, it is easy to miss our partners’ attempts for attention. Turning away occurs when we offer preoccupied responses, such as “Uh-huh” or a disinterested “Yes”, or even complete silence.
Per Gottman, “Unlike Turning Away, Turning Against has a bite to it” and often takes the form of sarcasm or criticism. Whether someone intends to “bite” or is merely feeling irritable at the moment, turning against can feel hurtful to the partner.
The good news is that we can learn to pay attention to our partners’ bids for connection by looking for those comments, questions, and gestures. We can practice active listening by maintaining eye contact, allowing our loved ones to finish their sentences, asking follow-up questions, and providing validation when needed. Saying “Sounds tough”, “You seem excited”, or even “Oh, yeah” may be all it takes to help our partners feel seen and heard. We can also gently say, “I was making a bid for connection” as a way to give our partners the benefit of the doubt and help them recognize our attempts to get their attention.
The Bird Test
Dr. Gottman’s Bids for Connection became viral when TikTok users put their partners to the test by pointing out a bird (verbal bid for connection) and filming their reactions. If the partner engaged by asking, “Where?” or showing more interest in the bird, they had an increased likelihood of staying together longer based on Gottman’s research.
While I’m not suggesting that you put your partner to the test, most of us would benefit from practicing mindfulness in the presence of our loved ones. It could be as simple as putting your phone away when your partner walks into the room or starts a conversation with you. If you recognize that you had turned away, you may say, “I’m sorry, I was preoccupied. Could you repeat that?” That act of Repair, an attempt to reconnect and prevent negativity, is another predictor of relationship longevity according to the Gottman Method.
So next time your partner points out a bird, mentions something of interest to them, or raises a concern, try to turn towards them mindfully. Making small, ongoing deposits in your emotional bank account can strengthen your relationship and the nest you have built for years to come.
Posted by Yasmin Meyers, LCSW-C
Yasmin is a therapist at Jonah Green and Associates, LLC, which provides therapy services for children, teens, families, and adults in North Bethesda, Maryland. The practice serves clients in Montgomery County, DC, and the surrounding areas.