Simple, Gottman-Informed Practices for Building Closeness in Everyday Life
Couples often come to therapy wanting to feel close again, but they are not always sure where to begin. They may imagine reconnecting will require a week away, a perfectly planned date, or long conversations in which they finally say everything exactly right.
One of the most useful ideas in the work of John and Julie Gottman, who have spent decades studying relationships, is that connection grows through the accumulation of ordinary, repeated interactions such as warm greetings, brief, gentle touches, or words of appreciation.
One kind of healing interaction involves responding to “bids for connection.” A bid is an invitation to share attention or affection. It might be a sigh, a joke, a question, or a comment about one’s day. Noticing and answering more of them can gradually strengthen a relationship. Other ways to nurture connection include affection, appreciation, curiosity, rituals, and repair, which offer other small opportunities.
Here are several practices couples can try. I recommend starting with one or two.
The six-second kiss
The Gottmans recommend regular kisses lasting about six seconds to create moments of warmth. Some couples prefer hugs, holding hands, or other gestures. The aim is moments of affection that feel good to both partners.
The stress-reducing conversation
At the end of a demanding day, partners often want different things. One person may want to talk, while the other wants to “decom. Or one partner begins describing a problem and the other immediately offers a solution, only to discover that advice was not what was needed. These different needs can create feelings of disconnection and frustration.
As an antidote, the Gottmans suggest setting aside about 20 minutes for a “stress-reducing conversation.” The conversation focuses on pressures outside the relationship: work, family, traffic, health, or the difficult email that arrived that afternoon. Each partner gets a chance to speak and listen.
The listener might communicate understanding with phrases such as:
“That sounds exhausting.”
“I can understand why you felt dismissed.”
“What was the hardest part?”
The listener does not offer advice unless asked. The purpose is to come alongside your partner and help them feel heard.
Specific Appreciation
Specific appreciation stimulates warm feelings and encourages more positive behavior. “I appreciated that you called my mother yesterday” tells a partner exactly what you noticed.
More examples:
“I appreciated that you washed the dishes without my asking.”
“That was thoughtful when you asked how my pain felt.”
“You were so patient with our son today.”
Ask a question you do not already know the answer to
We may know our partner’s history, routines, preferences, and familiar complaints, but we do not always know how their experience is changing from day to day.
Open-ended questions help people feel important, especially when they show an awareness of the other person’s life. Instead of “Did you have a good day?”—which can be answered with a single word—try:
“How did the presentation go today?”
“What do you think of the novel you’re reading?”
“You seem especially busy. What do you wish you had more time for?”
“What feels important to you about that?”
The Gottmans use the term “Love Maps” for our knowledge of a partner’s inner world: stresses, hopes, relationships, pleasures, worries, and dreams. A Love Map is never finished. Curiosity allows us to keep meeting the person our partner is becoming.
Couples looking for more prompts can explore the free Gottman Card Decks app. The book Eight Dates: Essential Conversations for a Lifetime of Love also offers a structure for conversations about trust, conflict, money, intimacy, family, dreams, and shared meaning.
Respond to small bids
Imagine that your partner says, “Look at that cardinal,” while you are reading something on your phone. Underneath the comment may be an invitation: Share this moment with me.
Turning toward might mean looking up, following your partner’s gaze, and saying, “Beautiful!” It might also mean laughing at a joke, asking a follow-up question, or placing a hand on a shoulder when you hear a sigh.
We all miss bids. We may impatiently realize too late that our partner was trying to reach us. Connection does not require perfect attentiveness. It does benefit from recognizing that many exchanges carry a relational question: Are you there? Does my experience matter to you?
Create small rituals of connection
Another strategy the Gottmans suggest is the development of rituals. Rituals are helpful because they do not depend entirely on spontaneity. In busy lives, waiting until both people happen to feel relaxed, affectionate, and available may mean waiting a long time.
Rituals need not be elaborate. A couple might drink coffee together for ten minutes, take a short walk after dinner, text at lunchtime, or say goodnight with a hug.
Offer a small repair
All couples misread each other, become defensive, speak sharply, or lose the thread of a conversation. A repair is any attempt to interrupt the slide and find one another again.
Examples of reparative statements:
“That came out more harshly than I meant.”
“You have a point.”
“I’m getting overwhelmed, and I’m not hearing you like I want to. Can we slow this down?”
A repair does not resolve the whole disagreement. It helps protect the relationship while the disagreement continues.
Let the practice be small
Small experiments often work best, rather than ambitious plans that may fall short and lead to discouragement. Try one or two practices and notice what happens—not just whether your partner changes, but what happens inside you. Do you feel warmer, more awkward, more hopeful, or more resistant? Even awkwardness can be useful information. Uncomfortable feelings can be a sign that you are opening up and taking risks to strengthen your relationship.
Small practices cannot fully repair betrayal, coercion, addiction, or long-standing hurt. But repeated moments of affection, interest, appreciation, and repair can provide essential “glue’ for a relationship. In couples therapy, these practices can also help new ways of relating take root between sessions.
Readers who want to explore more Gottman-informed practices for closeness may appreciate John Gottman and Nan Silver’s The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work, the Gottmans’ overview of the Sound Relationship House, and the Gottman Institute’s video channel.
-Posted by Jonah Green
Jonah Green, a therapist at Jonah Green and Associates, LLC, offers therapy for children, teens, families, and adults in North Bethesda, Maryland, serving clients in Montgomery County, DC, and the surrounding areas.
Another blog post that addresses Gottman-informed practices for closeness:
Look at That Bird: Turning Towards Bids for Connection to Improve Your Relationship