Thoughts on reading Fern Schumer Chapman’s book Brothers, Sisters, Strangers
Sibling relationships are often our longest. While they can offer immeasurable support, they can be among the most hurtful when bonds rupture. In Brothers, Sisters, Strangers: Sibling Estrangement and the Road to Reconciliation, Chapman combines personal experience with interviews to guide those inhabiting this confusing and painful terrain.
Understanding the Roots of Estrangement
Estrangement often has roots in early events or old patterns—childhood trauma, parental favoritism, or long-term differences or misunderstandings. Differing expectations about contact or support, friction with siblings’ partners, triangulation with other family members, and battles over parental care or asset distribution can all precipitate ruptures during adulthood. Chapman’s insights invite people to look beneath conflicts and explore the emotional forces underlying divisions. Understanding these roots facilitates healing, with or without reconciliation.
Here are some helpful ideas from Chapman:
1. Self-Inquiry
Before reaching out, take time to reflect. What are you hoping for? What still hurts? Are you seeking reconciliation or closure? Chapman’s companion workbook, The Sibling Estrangement Journal, can clarify these questions. I sometimes encourage clients to write letters they won’t send to illuminate thoughts and feelings.
2. Reconnection Isn’t Always the Goal
One of the most valuable messages in Brothers, Sisters, Strangers is that healing from estrangement does not always require reconnection. Sometimes, finding ways to manage the feelings that come with accepting estrangement offers the most realistic path. Chapman’s perspective encourages readers to explore the question: Can I live with the relationship as it is? This approach liberates you from the pressure of always aiming for reconnection.
I would add that reconnection can sometimes happen at later stages, after conflict has simmered down, and acknowledging the sibling through nonintrusive communications like birthday cards can keep the possibility of reconciliation open.
3. If You Reach Out, Proceed with Gentleness
If you attempt reconnection, Chapman recommends avoiding past grievances in initial contacts. Expressions of care or curiosity are usually the best route. I sometimes encourage clients to share personal feelings without blame: “I’ve been thinking about you. I wonder if you’re open to talking.” This approach allows you to express feelings and desires without stimulating defensiveness. I may also strategize with clients on managing if siblings raise grievances and practice “acknowledging and redirecting.”
4. Maintain Dignity and Boundaries
Chapman advocates a “dignity model” for re-engagement: listening to understand, not to correct, and practicing active listening–reflecting and validating. She also emphasizes healthy boundaries that help you feel respected and safe. It’s okay to say, “I want connection but also respect.” This approach can help you feel respected and secure, and set clear boundaries and expectations for re-engagement.
I would add that demanding apologies is particularly treacherous. While a sibling’s acknowledgment of past misdeeds can feel liberating, it is best to allow for softening by acknowledging your role in the estrangement, making requests, providing validation, and actively listening.
5. Build Connection—Even Without Your Sibling
If reconciliation is not possible, that doesn’t mean you have to live without close bonds. Chapman reminds us of the power of “chosen family”—friends, mentors, committed partners, and communities who help us feel valued. When clients mourn the loss of sibling relationships, I invite them to name other sources of support and explore what connections they wish to create.
Moving Forward with Compassion
Estrangement represents “ambiguous loss.” There is no funeral, but grief is real. Whether you seek reconciliation or peace of mind, Brothers, Sisters, Strangers offers thoughtful guidance. The book reminds us that whatever path we choose—reaching out, letting go, or holding both—we can maintain self-respect and compassion, and offer ourselves the care and acknowledgment we may never have received from our siblings.