As a child and family therapist, I have often observed that the most formidable challenge for parents when interacting with their children lies in their nervous system. A person’s nervous system governs how they make sense of interactions and generate effective solutions. This system responds to internal and external cues, influenced by past experiences and the present moment. At its core, the nervous system aims to ensure protection and connection with others.
However, parents can work with their nervous systems, especially during heightened emotional arousal. Children (and partners!) can challenge parents’ nervous systems, pushing them to mature and function at higher levels. Parenting, with its daily stressors and responsibilities, is a natural testing ground for this development. Understanding the biological basis of this process can help parents address emotional dysregulation more effectively, and in doing so, they can grow and become more capable in their roles.
Emotional Dysregulation in Parenting
In family dynamics, especially during everyday stresses like chores, homework, or bedtime routines, it’s not uncommon for one family member to lose their emotional balance. When this happens, the likelihood of other family members becoming dysregulated increases, especially in proximity. For example, suppose you continually remind your child to pick up their dirty laundry. In that case, your nervous system may become overwhelmed, and your co-parent, even in a nearby room, could also be affected.
This emotional imbalance tends to escalate power struggles, which in turn increase anxiety in the family system. As family members get caught in a cycle of emotional reactivity, stress hormones like cortisol are released, intensifying the dysfunction. The key to breaking this cycle is recognizing when your nervous system is activated. This recognition can give you a sense of control and enable you to pause before things escalate, reducing the feeling of being overwhelmed.
Tips for Managing Your Nervous System as a Parent
- Notice Shifts in Emotion and Sensation
If you suddenly feel irritable, tense, frustrated, or anxious, pay attention to the physical sensations in your body—heat, tightness, or tingling. Recognizing these sensations early on can be a reliable signal that emotional dysregulation is on the rise. Identifying this shift in real time can help you step back before the situation escalates. - Identify Your Thoughts
Observe the following thoughts once you notice a shift in your emotional state. It’s common for parents to think, “I don’t know what I’m doing as a parent,” or “My child must be abnormal.” These thoughts may feel convincing, but are often inaccurate when your nervous system is activated. The brain tends to become polarized in these moments, interpreting situations as more threatening than they are. By recognizing these thought patterns, such as self-doubt or negative assumptions about your child’s behavior, you can slow down and avoid making decisions from a reactive state. - Check Your Breathing
When you feel emotionally off-balance, take a moment to notice your breathing. How frequently are you inhaling and exhaling? Typically, when stressed, people breathe shallowly or unevenly. Shallow breathing contributes to the stress response. Focus on deepening, slowing your breath, and finding a rhythm to activate the parasympathetic nervous system, which calms the body and mind, helping you think more clearly and act more effectively.
Conclusion: A Path to Resilience
Managing your nervous system’s response to everyday challenges can be demanding, but it is essential for navigating complex family dynamics. By consciously working with your nervous system, you can approach challenging situations more effectively and cultivate resilience in your children. Helping your children develop the ability to manage stress and pressure is one of the greatest gifts you can offer them. This gift is earned through your growth and self-awareness, which can help you better understand and connect with your children’s needs.
Posted by Aron Carlson, LCSW-C
Aron is a therapist at Jonah Green and Associates, LLC, which provides therapy for children, teens, families, and adults in North Bethesda, Maryland, as well as for clients in Chevy Chase, Montgomery County, Washington, DC, and the surrounding areas.