Posted by Jonah Green, LCSW-C
Families usually enter therapy after experiencing repetitive, upsetting interactions: arguments over household chores, avoidance of sensitive topics, defensiveness, or passive-aggressive remarks during family gatherings. By the time they call a therapist, they have usually made many attempts to make a difference, only to see problems return and even worsen.
Family therapy can break these cycles by developing a space to address the feelings and needs behind interpersonal conflict. The 20th-century family therapist Virginia Satir was a master at exploring the “layers of the Iceberg” underneath family interactions. Satir suggested that feelings, beliefs, and needs that influence our actions lie beneath what we see and hear, and she found that addressing these deeper layers altered behaviors in profound and lasting ways.
The Second Layer: Feelings
Satir found that underneath observable behaviors lie unshared and even unrecognized feelings. Beneath blame or avoidance may lie frustration, sadness, or fear. Moreover, there may be “feelings about feelings,” such as shame about longings. Therapy creates an environment where individuals can accept and explore these feelings, generating understanding that breaks toxic interpersonal patterns.
The Thoughts and Expectations Layers
According to Satir, beneath feelings are the beliefs and values through which we see the world and the rules by which we live. For example, one person might believe that love means being strict and controlling, while another thinks love is about independence and freedom. These beliefs can create tension when they’re not understood or shared. When therapy brings them into the open, it can reshape how families relate to each other.
Deeper Still: Our Yearnings and “Undeveloped Selves”
Satir believed that our yearnings and “Undeveloped Selves” lay at the bottom of each individual’s icebergs. These parts of us hold our deepest needs, vulnerabilities, and, sometimes, parts we’ve never fully acknowledged or expressed. These “parts” may feel unworthy, unseen, or afraid of rejection. Deep healing and authentic connection occur when people feel safe sharing their vulnerable parts.
Moving Toward Healing: Creating Understanding and Connection
Whether or not they consciously work from “The Satir Model,” most family therapists today address people’s problematic interactions by helping them look “beneath the surface” to express and hear their feelings, beliefs, values, and unmet needs. By exploring hidden layers, people can move away from reactive patterns and toward more mindful, compassionate communication methods, empowering them not only to take control of family dynamics but to heal each other’s wounds and fulfill each other’s deepest needs.
More information on Virginia Satir’s and her “Iceberg” approach
Posted by Jonah Green, therapist at Jonah Green and Associates, LLC
Jonah Green and Associates, LLC provides therapy for children, teens, families, and adults in North Bethesda, Maryland, for clients in Montgomery County, Washington, DC, and surrounding areas.