Many families enter therapy facing challenges such as unsafe behaviors, high conflict, or the effects of loss or trauma. In my last blog post, I noted how family therapy helps families address their problems by facilitating collaborative communication about heartfelt feelings and needs. Another way family therapists can help is by building hope and positive connections.
Building “Hopeful Momentum”
Effective therapy provides an environment for family members to express pain and problems and have their feelings heard and validated. Therapists encourage people to “stay with” others’ pain and even acknowledge their contribution to it, but they also encourage families to shift their perspectives toward hope and possibility. This focus provides relief, improved morale, and a “hopeful momentum” that paradoxically helps people lower their defensiveness and better bear others’ challenging feelings.
Building Hope through “Exceptions”
One powerful way to cultivate this hopeful momentum is by focusing on moments when the family has experienced relief, even if briefly. A key to building hope is highlighting exceptions to problems—moments when there is relief. Family members who frequently argue might have moments where they solve a problem without bickering. Therapists help families highlight such interactions during sessions and also ask questions like:
- “When was the last time you weren’t arguing?”
- “What was happening then? Anything made it easier to connect?”
- “Any chance we can create more of these moments?”
Questions such as these help family members recognize opportunities for cooperation, empathy, and understanding and encourage the family to find situations and behaviors that lead to more relief.
A “Treasure Hunt” for Positive Moments
Family therapists also help families discover moments of joy and connection that may have been overlooked. They might develop fun, cooperative games and activities in the session and ask questions such as:
- “Was there a time when you all laughed together?”
- “Do you remember what was happening then?”
- “Can you think of a way to include everyone in a joyful moment again?”
Fun activities and questions like these invite families to shift the focus from managing conflict to a “treasure hunt” for unnoticed moments of joy and connection.
Towards Growth and Healing
As families build on these moments of connection and understanding, they create stronger, more supportive relationships that foster healing and growth. Families become better able to hear each other’s pain and celebrate each other to establish more substantial, supportive relationships.
- Posted by Jonah Green, therapist at Jonah Green and Associates, LLC
Jonah Green and Associates, LLC provides therapy for children, teens, families, and adults in North Bethesda, Maryland, for clients in Montgomery County, Washington, DC, and surrounding areas.