While parental separation and divorce can severely impact children, parents can take many steps to support them and set them up for success. By staying involved in their lives, maintaining continuity in their schedules, listening to their feelings, and adhering to limits, parents can help orient their kids toward a more positive future. Perhaps the most essential way to support children is through “co-parenting,” or working collaboratively with an ex-spouse.
The Value of the Co-Parenting Relationship
Research has shown that positive co-parenting communication significantly benefits children of divorced families. When parents engage in respectful, cooperative communication, children experience lower levels of anxiety and depression, demonstrate higher self-esteem, and adjust more effectively to their new family dynamics. Conversely, high-conflict co-parenting relationships expose children to chronic stress, which can lead to emotional and behavioral difficulties, including increased aggression, withdrawal, or academic struggles.
Building the Co-Parenting Relationship
A strong co-parenting relationship involves regular and courteous communication regarding children’s medical, academic, emotional, and behavioral needs. Each parent allows the other autonomy to make day-to-day decisions while striving to reach an understanding on major issues. Both parents aim to promote their ex-spouse’s relationship with their children.
Establishing a Parenting Plan
A well-defined parenting plan should establish a clear schedule, mechanisms for addressing significant decisions, and an agreement concerning financial responsibilities. Ideally, parents create this plan before legal negotiations occur, ensuring their focus remains on their children’s well-being rather than external conflicts.
Managing Third-Party Influences
Another key factor in successful co-parenting is managing third-party influences, such as lawyers, in-laws, or new partners, who can exacerbate tensions between co-parents. By actively managing these influences, parents can ensure that their focus remains on the well-being of their children rather than external pressures or conflicts.
The Value of Acknowledgments
Acknowledging the other parent’s perspective is an essential component of successful co-parenting. While it may be challenging, recognizing and validating the other parent’s role in the child’s life helps reduce resentment and fosters a more stable and positive environment. Even when disagreements arise, demonstrating empathy and a willingness to understand the other parent’s concerns can facilitate more productive discussions and decision-making.
“I” Instead of “You”
One way to foster positive co-parenting communication is using “I” statements instead of “you” statements. This approach allows parents to express concerns without triggering defensiveness. For example, instead of saying, “You never listen to me about our child’s schedule,” a parent might say, “I feel concerned when we don’t communicate about our child’s schedule.” This approach keeps the conversation child-focused rather than adversarial.
Cooperative vs. Parallel Parenting
For some families, cooperative co-parenting—where parents communicate openly and work together to raise their children—is the ideal scenario. However, parallel co-parenting can be the second-best alternative when ongoing conflict makes cooperation impossible. In parallel co-parenting, each parent disengages from the other as much as possible while establishing precise mechanisms for limited communication. While this approach lacks the collaboration of cooperative co-parenting, it brings a sense of peace by minimizing conflict, which can benefit children in high-conflict situations, offering reassurance and hope.
The Value of a Therapist
Many parents benefit from a therapist in the co-parenting process. Therapists who specialize in co-parenting therapy help ex-spouses focus their communication on the well-being of the children and resolve their differences peacefully. They provide a neutral and supportive environment for parents to discuss their concerns and work toward a more effective co-parenting relationship, offering support and understanding.
Posted by Jonah Green, the owner and director of Jonah Green and Associates, LLC, which provides therapy for children, teens, families, and adults in North Bethesda, Maryland, as well as for clients in Chevy Chase, Montgomery County, Washington, DC, and the surrounding areas.
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