Cheryl (not her real name) is a bright 50-year-old female with two children, ages 9 and 12, who have demanding schedules. Cheryl works full-time as a medical researcher. Her husband died two months ago after a 10-month battle with cancer. Cheryl and John had been married for 20 years, and their life had been a blend of work, family, and shared hobbies. His sudden illness and subsequent passing turned Cheryl’s world upside down.
At the urging of a friend, Cheryl began therapy six months ago, reporting an increase in irritability and a decrease in motivation. She added that she had noticed this increase shortly after her husband was diagnosed with cancer. Because her husband was so ill, Cheryl became his caregiver, tending to his and her children’s needs. Cheryl felt isolated and overwhelmed and reported having severe headaches; her doctors ruled out medical causes.
With the help of her therapist, Cheryl came to recognize that, even though her husband was still alive, she was struggling with “anticipatory grief.” Cheryl was also grieving a secondary loss- the loss of “the way her life was.” Rather than enjoying a busy life with her husband, Cheryl had to be in the mother and father role with her children and continue to work and care for her dying husband. Her husband’s family added to her stress, for they did not respect the necessary boundaries she tried to implement. Cheryl revealed that she felt like a “failure” because she could not change anything.
Burnout
Individuals experience many losses throughout their lives. With everybody’s needs and conflicting demands, burnout rates are high. Caregivers may develop symptoms of depression and anxiety, a decrease in the ability to sleep, an increase in irritability and cynicism, and even a lack of satisfaction in daily activities. Their “burnout” is often a result of both prolonged and intense grief and overwhelming responsibilities.
Many individuals who experience burnout say, “I just don’t care anymore,” and often feel guilty for thinking this way. They may neglect their responsibilities through absenteeism, inferior work performance, or lack of attendance to their family’s needs.
Self-Care Strategies
1. Asking for help. Cheryl’s first step towards self-care was asking for it. When she admitted to others that she felt overwhelmed and powerless, they encouraged her to go to therapy. During treatment, the therapist explored, processed, and validated Cheryl’s feelings, helping her recognize that she had caregiver burnout and helping her develop healthy coping skills.
2. Reframing Thoughts. It is helpful for the caregiver to focus on what they can control rather than what they cannot control. Cheryl was unable to control her husband’s illness, her new situation, or the challenges with her husband’s family. What she could control was her reaction.
3. Breaking down big tasks into small, achievable goals. Cheryl’s therapist encouraged her to list what she needed to work on, do one item at a time, and recognize and celebrate “small victories.”
4. Accepting help and setting boundaries. Caregivers can practice saying “yes” to help and “no” to additional demands.
5. Prioritizing health. Cheryl admitted she was not eating well; she would grab something in the mornings and often skip lunch. Cheryl admitted that she sits by her husband all day long. The therapist encouraged her to prioritize diet, exercise, and sleep.
6. Join a support group. Sitting with others who are experiencing similar situations can be validating. They can help with isolation and provide coping strategies for complicated feelings and situations.
Caring for others can be rewarding but also detrimental to one’s mental, physical, and emotional health. If you are a caregiver, recognize burnout symptoms and seek help. We cannot be helpful to others if we do not care for ourselves.
Posted by Heidi Cohen LCSW-C