Couples often come to therapy wanting to feel close again, but they are not always sure where to begin. They may imagine reconnecting will require a week away, a perfectly planned date, or long conversations in which they finally say everything exactly right.

One of the most useful ideas in the work of John and Julie Gottman, who have spent decades studying relationships, is that connection grows through the accumulation of ordinary, repeated interactions such as warm greetings, brief, gentle touches, or words of appreciation. 

One kind of healing interaction involves responding to “bids for connection.” A bid is an invitation to share attention or affection. It might be a sigh, a joke, a question, or a comment about one’s day. Noticing and answering more of them can gradually strengthen a relationship. Other ways to nurture connection include affection, appreciation, curiosity, rituals, and repair, which offer other small opportunities.

Here are several practices couples can try. I recommend starting with one or two.

The six-second kiss

The Gottmans recommend regular kisses lasting about six seconds to create moments of warmth. Some couples prefer hugs, holding hands, or other gestures. The aim is moments of affection that feel good to both partners.

The stress-reducing conversation

At the end of a demanding day, partners often want different things. One person may want to talk, while the other wants to “decom. Or one partner begins describing a problem and the other immediately offers a solution, only to discover that advice was not what was needed. These different needs can create feelings of disconnection and frustration.

As an antidote, the Gottmans suggest setting aside about 20 minutes for a “stress-reducing conversation.” The conversation focuses on pressures outside the relationship: work, family, traffic, health, or the difficult email that arrived that afternoon. Each partner gets a chance to speak and listen.

The listener might communicate understanding with phrases such as:

“That sounds exhausting.”

“I can understand why you felt dismissed.”

“What was the hardest part?”

The listener does not offer advice unless asked. The purpose is to come alongside your partner and help them feel heard.

Specific Appreciation

Specific appreciation stimulates warm feelings and encourages more positive behavior. “I appreciated that you called my mother yesterday” tells a partner exactly what you noticed.

More examples:

“I appreciated that you washed the dishes without my asking.”

“That was thoughtful when you asked how my pain felt.”

“You were so patient with our son today.”

Ask a question you do not already know the answer to

We may know our partner’s history, routines, preferences, and familiar complaints, but we do not always know how their experience is changing from day to day.

Open-ended questions help people feel important, especially when they show an awareness of the other person’s life. Instead of “Did you have a good day?”—which can be answered with a single word—try:

“How did the presentation go today?”

“What do you think of the novel you’re reading?”

“You seem especially busy. What do you wish you had more time for?”

“What feels important to you about that?”

The Gottmans use the term “Love Maps” for our knowledge of a partner’s inner world: stresses, hopes, relationships, pleasures, worries, and dreams. A Love Map is never finished. Curiosity allows us to keep meeting the person our partner is becoming.

Couples looking for more prompts can explore the free Gottman Card Decks app. The book Eight Dates: Essential Conversations for a Lifetime of Love also offers a structure for conversations about trust, conflict, money, intimacy, family, dreams, and shared meaning.

Respond to small bids

Imagine that your partner says, “Look at that cardinal,” while you are reading something on your phone. Underneath the comment may be an invitation: Share this moment with me.

Turning toward might mean looking up, following your partner’s gaze, and saying, “Beautiful!” It might also mean laughing at a joke, asking a follow-up question, or placing a hand on a shoulder when you hear a sigh.

We all miss bids. We may impatiently realize too late that our partner was trying to reach us. Connection does not require perfect attentiveness. It does benefit from recognizing that many exchanges carry a relational question: Are you there? Does my experience matter to you?

Create small rituals of connection

Another strategy the Gottmans suggest is the development of rituals. Rituals are helpful because they do not depend entirely on spontaneity. In busy lives, waiting until both people happen to feel relaxed, affectionate, and available may mean waiting a long time.

Rituals need not be elaborate. A couple might drink coffee together for ten minutes, take a short walk after dinner, text at lunchtime, or say goodnight with a hug.

Offer a small repair

All couples misread each other, become defensive, speak sharply, or lose the thread of a conversation. A repair is any attempt to interrupt the slide and find one another again.

Examples of reparative statements:

“That came out more harshly than I meant.”

“You have a point.”

“I’m getting overwhelmed, and I’m not hearing you like I want to. Can we slow this down?”

A repair does not resolve the whole disagreement. It helps protect the relationship while the disagreement continues.

Let the practice be small

Small experiments often work best, rather than ambitious plans that may fall short and lead to discouragement. Try one or two practices and notice what happens—not just whether your partner changes, but what happens inside you. Do you feel warmer, more awkward, more hopeful, or more resistant? Even awkwardness can be useful information. Uncomfortable feelings can be a sign that you are opening up and taking risks to strengthen your relationship.

Small practices cannot fully repair betrayal, coercion, addiction, or long-standing hurt. But repeated moments of affection, interest, appreciation, and repair can provide essential “glue’ for a relationship. In couples therapy, these practices can also help new ways of relating take root between sessions.

Readers who want to explore more Gottman-informed practices for closeness may appreciate John Gottman and Nan Silver’s The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work, the Gottmans’ overview of the Sound Relationship House, and the Gottman Institute’s video channel.

-Posted by Jonah Green

Jonah Green, a therapist at Jonah Green and Associates, LLC, offers therapy for children, teens, families, and adults in North Bethesda, Maryland, serving clients in Montgomery County, DC, and the surrounding areas.

Another blog post that addresses Gottman-informed practices for closeness:

Look at That Bird: Turning Towards Bids for Connection to Improve Your Relationship 

The post Nurturing Your Connection as a Couple Through Small Moments appeared first on Jonah Green and Associates.

Most caregivers do not enter their roles reluctantly. They care deeply. They show up day after day because someone they love needs them. Whether you are caring for a child with special needs, an ill spouse, an aging parent, or another family member, your caregiving likely stems from love, loyalty, and commitment.

Yet even the most devoted caregivers can reach a point where caring begins to feel different.

You may notice that you are more irritable than usual. Small frustrations feel bigger. Your patience is shorter. You find yourself withdrawing from people or feeling emotionally numb. Sometimes caregivers become troubled by a thought they never expected to have:

“I just want a break.”

Or even:

“I don’t know how much more of this I can do.”

When this happens, it does not mean you are a bad caregiver. It may be a sign of compassion fatigue.

More Than Burnout

Compassion fatigue is often confused with burnout, but the two experiences are not quite the same.

Burnout usually develops from chronic stress, excessive demands, lack of resources, or feeling overwhelmed by responsibilities. A burned-out person may feel exhausted, frustrated, or ineffective.

Compassion fatigue is more personal. It develops through prolonged exposure to another person’s suffering. It is rooted in the emotional connection between caregiver and care recipient.

People experiencing burnout often think, “I can’t keep up with all of this.”

People experiencing compassion fatigue often think, “I have nothing left to give.”

The difference matters because compassion fatigue strikes at a person’s sense of empathy and connection. It can leave caregivers feeling guilty, confused, and ashamed precisely because they care so much.

A Common Scenario

A mother has been caring for her adult son with developmental disabilities for years. She has coordinated appointments, managed paperwork, supervised daily activities, and encouraged him to develop independent living skills. She loves him deeply.

Yet lately, she finds herself snapping at him over small things. She feels emotionally drained. She feels guilty whenever she takes time for herself. At night, she lies awake worrying about what will happen when she is no longer able to care for him.

What she is experiencing is not a lack of love.

In many cases, it is the accumulation of years of caring without enough opportunity to rest, grieve, process, or replenish herself.

Signs of Compassion Fatigue

Compassion fatigue can show up as:

• Physical and emotional exhaustion
• Sleep disturbance
• Headaches or digestive problems
• Irritability and impatience
• Numbness or detachment
• Anxiety or sadness
• Intrusive thoughts and excessive worry
• Feeling trapped, hopeless, or resentful
• Withdrawing from friends, family, or enjoyable activities

Many caregivers are surprised by these reactions. They may judge themselves harshly or wonder why they no longer feel like themselves.

Often, the problem is not a lack of commitment. It is a lack of replenishment.

Caring for the Caregiver

One of the greatest challenges for caregivers is recognizing that their own well-being matters.

Many people believe they must put themselves last. Over time, however, chronic self-neglect can undermine the very compassion they are trying to provide.

Protective factors can include:

• Maintaining supportive friendships and social connections
• Establishing realistic boundaries
• Taking regular breaks when possible
• Prioritizing sleep, nutrition, and exercise
• Engaging in spiritual or mindfulness practices
• Participating in caregiver support groups
• Seeking therapy or counseling

Just as importantly, caregivers benefit from having places where they can speak honestly about their frustrations, fears, grief, and exhaustion without being judged.

Extending Compassion to Yourself

Compassion fatigue is not a character flaw. It is a human response to prolonged exposure to another person’s suffering.

If you recognize yourself in these descriptions, consider offering yourself the same understanding you would offer a loved one. Caring for others requires energy, patience, and emotional presence. You need the same.

Seeking support is not a sign of weakness. It is often one of the most caring things you can do—for yourself and for the people who depend on you.

As the physician and author Dr. Naomi Rachel Remen observed:

“The expectation that we can be immersed in suffering and loss daily and not be touched by it is as unrealistic as expecting to be able to walk through water without getting wet.”

Posted by Heidi Cohen LCSW-C 

Heidi is a therapist at Jonah Green and Associates, LLC, which provides therapy for children, teens, families, and adults in North Bethesda, Maryland, for clients in Chevy Chase, Montgomery County, Washington, DC, and the surrounding areas.

The post Tending to Compassion Fatigue: Caring for the Caregiver appeared first on Jonah Green and Associates.

A Complex Stage for Aging Families

As parents age, families-regardless of structure or cultural background-navigate a range of decisions and emotions, often all at once, and therapy can provide support and guidance.

The practical questions:

• How do we think about safety and independence?
• Who will help with what?
• What needs to be put in place legally—wills, power of attorney, medical directives?

And emotional undercurrents:

• Worry about parental decline
• Discomfort talking about illness or mortality
• Old family roles reappearing

Even in families that generally function well, this stage can feel challenging.

Common Challenges for Adult Siblings and Aging Parents

While every family is different, some patterns tend to emerge.

Different views of responsibility
One person may step in quickly and take on a lot. Another may hold back, either out of disagreement, distance, or uncertainty. Over time, this can lead to frustration on both sides.

Old roles re-emerging
Families often fall into familiar positions. One sibling might fall into their role of organizer; another might question decisions. “Outsiders” might feel left out again. 

Different ways of facing aging
Some parents prioritize maintaining independence, while others are more open to help. Adult children also vary—some want to discuss issues, and others find it hard to have these conversations.

Practical decisions with emotional weight
Legal and medical decisions, such as wills, powers of attorney, and medical or placement decisions, are often pressing. Therapy can help families navigate decisions and address underlying concerns and feelings such as fear, anger, or a sense of unfairness in the process.

Indirect communication and family tension
It’s common for people to talk about each other rather than with each other, creating misunderstandings that build over time.

How Family Therapy Supports Aging Families

Later-life family therapy can ease fear and tension, making family members feel more supported during this demanding stage of life.

A therapist can help by:

• Making space for each person’s perspective
  Families often feel relief when everyone has a chance to express themselves.
• Slowing down difficult conversations
  When things feel urgent, conversations can become reactive. Therapy helps families move more thoughtfully.
• Clarifying roles and expectations
  Clarifying tasks and what each can expect from the other makes responsibilities clearer, helping families feel relieved and reducing feelings of overwhelm.
• “Translating” accusations into underlying concerns
  Therapists can help families understand comments like “You’re not doing enough” to reflect the worry, fear, or sense of aloneness they reveal.
• Supporting shared decision-making
  Therapy supports shared decision-making, helping families feel more empowered and confident in making collaborative choices.

The Opportunities in This Stage of Family Life

This stage can be stressful, but it also offers opportunities for meaningful shifts that can inspire hope and motivate families toward growth.

Siblings may come to appreciate each other’s efforts in new ways.
Parents and adult children can begin relating more as adults, rather than through older roles.
Conversations families may have avoided may become more possible.

Even modest changes—clearer communication, more balanced responsibility, a moment of recognition—can ease the strain and create a greater sense of connection.

A Place to Come Together

Many families try to manage challenges on their own, often during moments of urgency. Therapy offers a place to step out of that pressure and think more clearly together.

It doesn’t remove the realities of aging or caregiving. But it can help families face those realities with more coordination, less tension, and a stronger sense that they are working together.

-Posted by Jonah Green

Jonah Green, a therapist at Jonah Green and Associates, LLC, offers therapy services for children, teens, families, and adults in North Bethesda, Maryland, serving clients in Montgomery County, DC, and the surrounding areas.

The post Later-Life Family Therapy: Helping Aging Families Navigate Change Together appeared first on Jonah Green and Associates.

They were thoughtful, committed, and trying.

“We love each other,” one partner said. “But it just feels… tense.”

“I feel like I’m always getting it wrong,” the other partner added. “With the kids, with you—everything.”

These are familiar moments in stepfamily therapy. There is love, effort, and goodwill, mixed with confusion and hurt. Therapy can offer a way forward that can clarify the steps people can take towards creating a family that feels more secure.

A Different Kind of Family

Stepfamilies can bring love, support, and meaning into people’s lives—often after periods of loss or transition.

They also come with built-in complexity.

They are not simply first families with new members added in. There are often strong preexisting bonds, and losses from divorce or bereavement. Children may move between homes. Nearly always, there are questions about roles and belonging.

When tension arises, many families ask, “What are we doing wrong?” or begin to focus on one person as the source of the problem.

More often, people are encountering the natural complexity of stepfamily life.

Widening the Lens

In many stepfamilies, strain shows up in one place at first:

A child may grow distant.
A stepparent might feel shut out or undermined.
A parent feels caught in the middle.
A couple begins arguing about parenting or finances.

People naturally locate the problem in one person or the relationship experiencing trouble.

Stepfamily therapy helps shift that perspective. The therapist helps the family ask:

“What is happening here that is making things hard for everyone?”

This shift creates room for a different kind of understanding.

The child is not simply “difficult.”
The stepparent is not simply “too much.”
The parent is not “failing” at effective discipline.

Rather, each person is responding to the arrival of new relationships and a changing family structure.

How Therapy Can Help

Insider–Outsider Experiences

Stepfamily members often experience the pain of feeling on the “outside.” A parent and child may share years of history, rhythms, and familiarity. As a stepparent enters the family, they may feel peripheral. At other times, a child may feel outside as the couple’s bond strengthens.

Feeling a lack of belonging can show up in small, everyday moments—hesitating before speaking, not knowing where to sit, or being unsure whether it is your place to step in.

Therapy helps name these experiences and understand them as part of the structure rather than a personal failing. That shift often makes it easier for people to be more patient and more understanding with one another.

Clarifying Roles

Questions about roles are common in stepfamilies.

How should a stepparent interact with their stepchildren?
How much should the child be expected to follow the stepparent’s instructions?
How close should stepsiblings be?

When these questions remain unspoken, people tend to fill in the gaps on their own—sometimes stepping back too far, and sometimes stepping in too quickly.

Through conversation and reflection, families begin to define roles in ways that fit their particular situation, helping individuals feel more confident and less uncertain. They can also focus on slowly developing bonds, and as they do so, the possibilities for roles expand.

Loyalty Binds 

Many of the most powerful dynamics in stepfamilies happen under the surface.

Children may feel caught between parents and stepparents.
Parents may feel pulled between their child and their partner.
Other households—ex-partners or extended family—may continue to influence the emotional climate. Therapy helps bring these loyalty triangles into the open, making them easier to work with and reducing hidden tensions.

These dynamics shape what people say, what they avoid, and where tension shows up.

Therapy helps bring these patterns into the open and makes them easier to work with.

How Therapy Proceeds

Effective stepfamily therapy usually moves deliberately. The pacing might include:

• starting with the couple to clarify their understanding and goals
• meeting with a parent and child to better understand their experience
• strengthening key relationships before bringing everyone together

This kind of progression helps create a sense of safety.

From there, families can begin to build a more respectful and workable way of being together. Warmth and closeness often develop gradually, rather than all at once.

At the same time, therapy helps families avoid some common pitfalls, such as:

• expecting immediate bonding
• pushing stepparents into discipline too early
• minimizing children’s mixed feelings
• overcorrecting out of guilt
• losing focus on the couple relationship
• forcing closeness that has not yet developed

Instead, the focus shifts to what fits this particular family.

Building Belonging

Belonging in a stepfamily usually develops over time.

It grows through small, repeated experiences—feeling taken seriously, feeling respected, and sensing that there is room for you in the family, which can inspire hope that belonging is achievable over time.

Children often need reassurance of their parents’ continued commitment, along with the freedom to develop a relationship with a stepparent at their own pace.

Stepparents need space to connect without feeling pressure to prove themselves too quickly.

Parents need support in holding both their child and their partner in mind at the same time.

As these pieces begin to fall into place, families often notice subtle shifts. Conversations feel a little easier. Roles feel clearer. People feel less on the outside.

A Different Kind of Hope

Stepfamily therapy is not about making a family look like a first family.

It’s about helping people understand the family they are actually in—and finding a way to live in it together more comfortably.

Over time,  meaningful change can occur: conversations become easier, expectations become clearer, and relationships feel a little steadier. A sense of belonging begins to take hold—not all at once, and not perfectly, but in a way that feels more settled and more real.

-Posted by Jonah Green

Jonah Green, a therapist at Jonah Green and Associates, LLC, offers therapy services for children, teens, families, and adults in North Bethesda, Maryland, serving clients in Montgomery County, DC, and the surrounding areas.

Related posts:

Freely Chosen Love: The Unique Potential of Stepparent–Stepchild Relationships

Step-by-Step for Stepfamily Success

Keys to Stepfamily Success

The post Building Belonging: What Stepfamilies Can Gain from Therapy appeared first on Jonah Green and Associates.

Our minds tend to operate in different modes depending on the situation. Dialectical Behavior Therapy describes these modes as “rational mind,” “emotional mind,” and “wise mind.” When we lead from the rational mind, we focus on facts and logic. Asked to solve a math problem, for example, and we rely on rational thinking to arrive at an answer. The emotional mind, on the other hand, is ruled by feelings and urges. When we are emotional, it can become harder to access the facts of a situation. For some of us, our “emotional mind” takes over when we catastrophize and declare that things will never get better or the worst possible outcome will definitely happen. At other times, we may rely only on logic and facts, detaching from our emotions in ways that make it harder to understand and communicate what we are truly feeling or needing. Therapy helps us understand that we can use these modes and balance them through specific techniques, which increases our ability to respond adaptively in various situations.

The Wise Mind

In between these two polarities is the “wise mind,” the balance between the rational mind and the emotional mind. It allows us to draw on both facts and feelings while honoring our emotional experiences. When we listen to both logic and emotion, we create space to relate to our thoughts, feelings, and experiences with compassion and curiosity rather than judgment and avoidance. This balance can empower us to approach challenges with greater confidence and understanding.

Therapy and the Wise Mind

Dialectical behavior therapy can encourage us to connect with the wise mind. By slowing down and examining our automatic reactions, giving voice to feelings that may have been beneath the surface or thoughts that may have gone unspoken, we can begin to observe our internal system with more distance and clarity. From this place of greater awareness, we can start to recognize the wisdom within our emotions and understand what they may be trying to communicate or protect. While this process can sometimes be challenging or uncomfortable, persistence and patience help us develop the skills needed to listen more effectively to both our emotional and rational minds, ultimately fostering greater confidence, clarity, and compassion in handling life’s challenges. 

-Posted by Lydia Sander 

Lydia Sander is an MSW Intern with Jonah Green and Associates, LLC, which offers therapy services for children, teens, families, and adults in North Bethesda, Maryland, serving clients in Montgomery County, DC, and the surrounding areas.

Related Posts:

Taking a Break for Self-Care

Walking The Middle Path: Striving For Balance in Parenting

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