You don’t have to love everything your partner loves. But it can mean a great deal when you make an effort to understand.

Suppose your partner is passionate about baseball, while you couldn’t care less about sports. You might listen politely when they talk about a game, but you don’t really understand what they’re saying. After a while, you might stop asking.

Now imagine you learn the names of a few favorite players. You understand why a particular rivalry matters. You even remember that there’s a big game coming up and ask how it went.

You haven’t necessarily become a baseball fan. But you’ve communicated something important: I care enough about you to learn a little about something that matters to you.

And that can be a surprisingly meaningful expression of love.

Curiosity Is a Wonderful Beginning

In couples therapy, we often encourage partners to become more curious about one another.

Rather than assuming we already understand what our partner thinks or feels, we can ask questions. We can listen with genuine interest. We can try to understand experiences that are different from our own.

But curiosity becomes even more powerful when we follow through.

If your partner loves gardening, you might learn the names of a few favorite flowers. If they’re fascinated by history, you might become familiar with a period they especially enjoy. If they practice yoga, you might learn what they find rewarding about it.

As we become more familiar with your partner’s world, it becomes easier to be curious about it. We can ask better questions, appreciate new developments, and sometimes even discover that we enjoy aspects of it ourselves.

Building “Love Maps”

Couples researchers John and Julie Gottman popularized the idea of Love Maps: the knowledge we develop about our partner’s inner world.

A Love Map includes the important people in our partner’s life, their hopes and dreams, their worries, their favorite activities, and the experiences that have shaped them.

The Gottmans have even developed Love Map cards, with questions designed to help partners continue learning about each other.

I particularly like the idea that these maps are never finished. People change. Their interests evolve. New concerns and aspirations emerge.

The better we know someone, the more opportunities we have to show them they matter.

We can also extend the Love Map idea beyond knowing what interests our partner to understanding something about those interests.

Knowing that your spouse loves classical music is a beginning. Learning which composers move them, and perhaps listening together to a favorite piece, can create another opportunity for connection.

A Little Effort Can Mean a Lot

Of course, none of this should become another obligation or test in a relationship. Time is limited, and it’s perfectly healthy for partners to pursue interests independently or share them with friends. The goal isn’t to become involved in everything our partner does.

Instead, take small, occasional steps into their world.

You might ask your partner to explain something you’ve never understood. Read a short article about a subject they love. Watch part of a program together. Or remember something they mentioned and ask about it a few days later.

Sometimes the most meaningful gesture is simply bringing up the subject yourself.

That communicates not only that you listened, but that you remembered.

What Makes It Meaningful

Ultimately, what makes your interest in your partner’s interests is what those efforts communicate. When someone we love takes an interest in something that matters to us, we may feel appreciated and understood. And when we make that effort ourselves, we sometimes discover new dimensions of our partner—things we might otherwise have missed.

We don’t have to share all our interests to share our lives. But every so often, learning a little about something our partner loves can be another way of saying:

I want to keep getting to know you.

-Posted by Jonah Green

Jonah Green, a therapist at Jonah Green and Associates, LLC, offers therapy for children, teens, couples, families, and adults in North Bethesda, Maryland, serving clients in Montgomery County, DC, and the surrounding areas.

The post Taking an Interest in Your Partner’s Interests appeared first on Jonah Green and Associates.

It’s good advice. But in my work as a couples and family therapist, I’ve noticed something more complicated: Not every sentence beginning with “I feel” really functions as an I-statement. And even some genuine feeling words can be surprisingly hard for the person we love to hear.

This matters because couples and families in distress are often trying hard to communicate better. Sometimes a small shift in language helps a partner or family member hear the underlying feeling we’re trying to express, rather than an accusation we never meant to make.

Anger Is a Feeling—But It May Not Tell the Whole Story

Words such as angry, frustrated, irritated, and annoyed are genuine feeling words. Sometimes anger is exactly what we’re feeling, and there is nothing wrong with saying so.

But in close relationships, anger can be difficult to hear—particularly when both people are already upset. Sometimes it helps to pair the anger with the more vulnerable feeling or wish underneath it.

“I’m angry, and I’m also really hurt.”

“I’m frustrated because I miss feeling close to you.”

This isn’t about replacing anger; anger may be an important part of the truth. But others may often hear us better when we express more of the truth. When someone can hear not only our anger but also the hurt, fear, disappointment, loneliness, or longing connected to it, there may be more room for understanding.

When “I Feel” Still Sounds Like “You”

Sometimes it is fairly obvious that “I-statements” are not really statements about personal feelings at all. “I feel that you don’t care about me” or “I feel like you’re being a jerk” are thoughts, judgments, or conclusions with “I feel” in front of them.

One simple test is to remove “I feel that” or “I feel like.” If what’s left is essentially a statement about the other person—“You don’t care about me”—it probably isn’t an I-statement in the sense we’re talking about.

But sometimes it’s much subtler.

Consider:

“I feel criticized.”

Compare that with:

“I feel hurt.”

“Hurt” describes something happening inside me. “Criticized” also says something about what I believe you did. To the listener, “I feel criticized” may sound a lot like “You’re criticizing me.”

The same can happen with words such as blamed, controlled, judged, or attacked.

That doesn’t mean these words are wrong. But sometimes it helps to separate our feelings from our interpretation:

“When you said that, I felt hurt and embarrassed. I heard it as criticism, although I’m not sure that’s how you meant it.”

That gives the other person more room to understand our experience without first having to defend against an accusation.

Some Words Live in Both Worlds

Other words are more ambiguous.

“I feel trapped.”

“Trapped” may genuinely describe an internal experience. But a partner may hear: “You’re trapping me.”

“I feel unwanted” may express real loneliness and insecurity while sounding to the other person like: “You don’t want me.”

Words such as rejected and abandoned can work similarly. They may describe something deeply felt while also seeming to claim something about what another person has done or feels.

Sometimes a little more vulnerability makes the message clearer:

“I’m feeling lonely, and I’m starting to worry that you don’t want to be as close to me.”

People often find it easier to understand others who express sadness, fear, or longing directly than when they hear statements that can sound like an accusation.

When a Feeling Sounds Like a Verdict

Then there are words like hopeless.

Imagine hearing:

“I feel hopeless about our relationship.”

“Hopeless” isn’t an accusation. It isn’t even an angry word. It may be a completely honest description of someone’s experience.

Yet I’ve seen how powerfully a word like this can affect a conversation. A partner may hear:

Our marriage is doomed. You’ve given up on me—nothing I do matters. You’re going to leave.

The speaker may be describing a feeling. The listener hears a conclusion about the relationship.

The same can sometimes happen with words such as done, defeated, or detached.

This is where it can help to become curious about our own language. What do I actually mean when I say hopeless? How much of that feeling is about the relationship itself, and how much comes from how hurt, frightened, or disappointed I feel right now?

Perhaps you’ve truly lost hope for the relationship. If so, that deserves an honest conversation.

But perhaps what you mean is:

“I’m terribly hurt by what happened. Right now I’m so discouraged that I can’t see how we find our way back to each other.”

Those are different messages. The point isn’t to talk ourselves out of what we’re feeling. It’s to understand our feelings well enough to say what we actually mean, in a way others can hear.

Helping Each Other Hear What Matters

None of this means couples or families should search anxiously for the perfect word or avoid saying difficult things. Close relationships require us to hear things we don’t always want to hear. And sometimes someone we love will become upset no matter how thoughtfully we speak.

The goal isn’t perfect communication. It’s to give someone we love a better chance of hearing the heart of what we’re trying to say.

So before “I feel criticized,” we might wonder: What am I feeling when I experience this as criticism?

Before “I feel unwanted”: What is happening inside me that makes me afraid I’m not wanted?

Sometimes:

“I feel hopeless about us”

can become:

“I care so much about us that this really hurts. Right now I’m scared and discouraged because I can’t see how we get from where we are to where I want us to be.”

The second statement isn’t necessarily softer because the problem is less serious. It’s softer because it lets the other person see more of us.

Over my years as a couples and family therapist, I’ve come to believe that some of the most important moments in relationships happen when people can get beneath the anger, accusation, conclusion, or defensive reaction and find what they were struggling to say in the first place.

Often, underneath it is something quite tender:

I’m hurt. I’m scared. I miss you. I want this to be better. And I’m trying to find a way back to you.

-Posted by Jonah Green

Jonah Green, a therapist at Jonah Green and Associates, LLC, offers therapy for children, teens, families, and adults in North Bethesda, Maryland, serving clients in Montgomery County, DC, and the surrounding areas.

The post When Even “I-Statements” Sting: Choosing Words That Help Others Hear You appeared first on Jonah Green and Associates.

Couples often come to therapy wanting to feel close again, but they are not always sure where to begin. They may imagine reconnecting will require a week away, a perfectly planned date, or long conversations in which they finally say everything exactly right.

One of the most useful ideas in the work of John and Julie Gottman, who have spent decades studying relationships, is that connection grows through the accumulation of ordinary, repeated interactions such as warm greetings, brief, gentle touches, or words of appreciation. 

One kind of healing interaction involves responding to “bids for connection.” A bid is an invitation to share attention or affection. It might be a sigh, a joke, a question, or a comment about one’s day. Noticing and answering more of them can gradually strengthen a relationship. Other ways to nurture connection include affection, appreciation, curiosity, rituals, and repair, which offer other small opportunities.

Here are several practices couples can try. I recommend starting with one or two.

The six-second kiss

The Gottmans recommend regular kisses lasting about six seconds to create moments of warmth. Some couples prefer hugs, holding hands, or other gestures. The aim is moments of affection that feel good to both partners.

The stress-reducing conversation

At the end of a demanding day, partners often want different things. One person may want to talk, while the other wants to “decom. Or one partner begins describing a problem and the other immediately offers a solution, only to discover that advice was not what was needed. These different needs can create feelings of disconnection and frustration.

As an antidote, the Gottmans suggest setting aside about 20 minutes for a “stress-reducing conversation.” The conversation focuses on pressures outside the relationship: work, family, traffic, health, or the difficult email that arrived that afternoon. Each partner gets a chance to speak and listen.

The listener might communicate understanding with phrases such as:

“That sounds exhausting.”

“I can understand why you felt dismissed.”

“What was the hardest part?”

The listener does not offer advice unless asked. The purpose is to come alongside your partner and help them feel heard.

Specific Appreciation

Specific appreciation stimulates warm feelings and encourages more positive behavior. “I appreciated that you called my mother yesterday” tells a partner exactly what you noticed.

More examples:

“I appreciated that you washed the dishes without my asking.”

“That was thoughtful when you asked how my pain felt.”

“You were so patient with our son today.”

Ask a question you do not already know the answer to

We may know our partner’s history, routines, preferences, and familiar complaints, but we do not always know how their experience is changing from day to day.

Open-ended questions help people feel important, especially when they show an awareness of the other person’s life. Instead of “Did you have a good day?”—which can be answered with a single word—try:

“How did the presentation go today?”

“What do you think of the novel you’re reading?”

“You seem especially busy. What do you wish you had more time for?”

“What feels important to you about that?”

The Gottmans use the term “Love Maps” for our knowledge of a partner’s inner world: stresses, hopes, relationships, pleasures, worries, and dreams. A Love Map is never finished. Curiosity allows us to keep meeting the person our partner is becoming.

Couples looking for more prompts can explore the free Gottman Card Decks app. The book Eight Dates: Essential Conversations for a Lifetime of Love also offers a structure for conversations about trust, conflict, money, intimacy, family, dreams, and shared meaning.

Respond to small bids

Imagine that your partner says, “Look at that cardinal,” while you are reading something on your phone. Underneath the comment may be an invitation: Share this moment with me.

Turning toward might mean looking up, following your partner’s gaze, and saying, “Beautiful!” It might also mean laughing at a joke, asking a follow-up question, or placing a hand on a shoulder when you hear a sigh.

We all miss bids. We may impatiently realize too late that our partner was trying to reach us. Connection does not require perfect attentiveness. It does benefit from recognizing that many exchanges carry a relational question: Are you there? Does my experience matter to you?

Create small rituals of connection

Another strategy the Gottmans suggest is the development of rituals. Rituals are helpful because they do not depend entirely on spontaneity. In busy lives, waiting until both people happen to feel relaxed, affectionate, and available may mean waiting a long time.

Rituals need not be elaborate. A couple might drink coffee together for ten minutes, take a short walk after dinner, text at lunchtime, or say goodnight with a hug.

Offer a small repair

All couples misread each other, become defensive, speak sharply, or lose the thread of a conversation. A repair is any attempt to interrupt the slide and find one another again.

Examples of reparative statements:

“That came out more harshly than I meant.”

“You have a point.”

“I’m getting overwhelmed, and I’m not hearing you like I want to. Can we slow this down?”

A repair does not resolve the whole disagreement. It helps protect the relationship while the disagreement continues.

Let the practice be small

Small experiments often work best, rather than ambitious plans that may fall short and lead to discouragement. Try one or two practices and notice what happens—not just whether your partner changes, but what happens inside you. Do you feel warmer, more awkward, more hopeful, or more resistant? Even awkwardness can be useful information. Uncomfortable feelings can be a sign that you are opening up and taking risks to strengthen your relationship.

Small practices cannot fully repair betrayal, coercion, addiction, or long-standing hurt. But repeated moments of affection, interest, appreciation, and repair can provide essential “glue’ for a relationship. In couples therapy, these practices can also help new ways of relating take root between sessions.

Readers who want to explore more Gottman-informed practices for closeness may appreciate John Gottman and Nan Silver’s The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work, the Gottmans’ overview of the Sound Relationship House, and the Gottman Institute’s video channel.

-Posted by Jonah Green

Jonah Green, a therapist at Jonah Green and Associates, LLC, offers therapy for children, teens, families, and adults in North Bethesda, Maryland, serving clients in Montgomery County, DC, and the surrounding areas.

Another blog post that addresses Gottman-informed practices for closeness:

Look at That Bird: Turning Towards Bids for Connection to Improve Your Relationship 

The post Nurturing Your Connection as a Couple Through Small Moments appeared first on Jonah Green and Associates.

Through therapy, they learned to slow down, listen differently, and see one another with fresh eyes. The spark that had dimmed began to glow again—not because everything was “fixed,” but because they started to feel connected in the moments that mattered. They felt a sense of relief and hope that they could restore their relationship.

Many couples think about therapy only when they’re in crisis—on the verge of separation, caught in endless arguments, or feeling disconnected and alone. But couples therapy isn’t just for times of crisis. It’s also a space to nurture growth, strengthen what’s already working, and create a hopeful, more fulfilling future together.

Here are some of the most common reasons couples choose to begin therapy:

Deepening Emotional Intimacy

You might feel a longing for more emotional closeness, a warmer connection, or more time simply being together. You may want your relationship to feel safe, tender, and alive again. In therapy, you can reconnect with your partner and rebuild the sense of emotional security that fosters love.

Enhancing Romance and Sexual Connection

Physical and emotional intimacy naturally ebb and flow over the course of a relationship. Therapy provides a safe, non-judgmental place to talk openly about desires, challenges, and hopes for renewed closeness.

Improving Communication

Even loving couples can fall into patterns of misunderstanding or tension. You may find yourself having the same argument again and again or avoiding specific topics altogether. Therapy helps you and your partner learn new ways to talk—and listen—so communication becomes more collaborative, thoughtful, and valued.

Navigating Parenting Together

Parenting can be one of the greatest joys and the biggest challenges of a relationship. When children enter the picture, routines, priorities, and identities all shift. Therapy can help you align your parenting styles, share responsibilities more fairly, and stay connected as partners while raising your children.

Managing Stressors 

Work pressures, health concerns, finances, and relationships with extended family can weigh heavily on even the strongest partnerships. Couples therapy offers tools to manage these stressors together—so you feel supported rather than alone when life gets demanding.

Facing Loss or Illness

Loss, illness, or grief can either bring couples closer or create distance. Therapy gives you both a space to process your emotions, care for one another, and move through painful experiences together.

Addressing Problematic Behaviors or Addiction

When one partner struggles with alcohol or drug use, or with addictive behaviors such as gambling, social media, gaming, or pornography, the effects can ripple through the relationship. Couples therapy provides a supportive place to face these challenges without shame or blame.
Together, you can understand what drives these patterns, strengthen accountability, and rebuild trust. Many couples find that working through these issues deepens honesty, empathy, and connection.

Making Big Decisions

Whether you’re considering marriage, deciding whether to have a child, or preparing for a big move, therapy can help you slow down, think together, and make decisions that reflect both of your needs and values.

Confronting Persistent Conflicts

Longstanding disagreements—about money, in-laws, chores, or parenting—can become stuck patterns that resurface over and over. In therapy, you’ll explore these conflicts not just as problems to fix but as pathways to better understanding and connection.

Adjusting to Life Transitions

Marriage, becoming empty-nesters, retirement, or blending families all bring change—and with change, vulnerability. Therapy helps couples adapt to new chapters, support one another, and build shared meaning along the way.

How Couples Therapy Helps

In couples therapy, you’ll have a supportive, non-judgmental environment where both of you can speak and listen with compassion. The goal isn’t to assign blame or “fix” one partner—it’s to understand the dance between you and learn new steps together. This non-judgmental space ensures you feel safe and respected in your relationship journey.

As you build trust and communicate from a deeper, more authentic place, your relationship can become not just calmer, but more fulfilling—a place of comfort, curiosity, and mutual growth.

Whether you’re seeking repair, renewal, or a deeper understanding of each other, therapy offers a space to connect and move forward together. Click here for more information about accessing couples therapy.

-Posted by Jonah Green

Jonah Green, a therapist at Jonah Green and Associates, LLC, offers therapy services for children, teens, couples, families, and adults in North Bethesda, Maryland, serving clients in Montgomery County, DC, and the surrounding areas.

The post Who Can Benefit from Couples Therapy appeared first on Jonah Green and Associates.

But these skills are much harder to apply in the heat of conflict. Arguments stir emotion, flooding the nervous system and making thoughtful communication nearly impossible. You may know the “right” thing to say—perhaps “I know you have a point, but I feel hurt”—yet in the moment, what bursts out is “Why do you always have to be so critical?!”

It’s understandable to defend ourselves when we feel attacked. Even a well-phrased I feel statement can make us vulnerable if our partner isn’t feeling empathetic. And sometimes “proper” communication feels too mild to express our pain. “How the hell could you do this?!” may capture the emotion that “I feel offended” cannot.

The Alternative: “Reporting” Upset Feelings

The late couples therapist Dan Wile, Ph.D., offered an elegant alternative: “reporting upset.” Wile described this as “talking about the state of mind that is blocking communication,” a way to express emotion without escalating the conflict or retreating into silence.

Here are a few examples:

• “I’m so outraged right now I can’t think straight.”

• “As you can see, I have powerful feelings about this.”

• “I’m so devastated, I just don’t know what to say.”

Reporting your upset acknowledges your emotional state without attacking your partner. It signals awareness and self-restraint, carrying the implicit message: “I’d say this better if I could.” This often softens the impact of your words and makes your partner more receptive. It can also serve as a bridge towards expressing your deeper feelings with clarity and compassion.

A Way to Stay Connected

Conflict is inevitable in close relationships; the stakes are high because we depend on our partners to meet many of our emotional needs. Yet even during moments of anger or hurt, it’s possible to build intimacy rather than distance. The next time you feel triggered, try reporting your upset. You may find it helps you stay connected—and find your way back to heartfelt communication.

-Posted by Jonah Green

Jonah Green, a therapist at Jonah Green and Associates, LLC, offers therapy services for children, teens, families, and adults in North Bethesda, Maryland, serving clients in Montgomery County, DC, and the surrounding areas.

The post “Reporting” Upset: Staying Connected During Conflict appeared first on Jonah Green and Associates.