“Never lose a holy curiosity.”
— Albert Einstein
Families often come to therapy caught in cycles of repetition.
A parent says, “He never listens.”
A teen mutters, “You don’t understand.”
A couple circles the same argument, both sure they know how it ends.
The missing ingredient in so many of these moments is the willingness to ask, “What’s really happening here?” instead of “Why do you keep doing that?”
When curiosity disappears, relationships become predictable. When combined with negativity, predictability can evoke despair. When curiosity returns, the energy in the room lightens, and even pain becomes more bearable because someone is finally paying attention to it.
Curiosity Heals
In the nervous system, curiosity calms the fight-or-flight response. Curiosity is incompatible with judgment as well as fear and shame.
When a parent asks a child, “What was that like for you?” instead of “Why did you have to do that?”—the conversation transforms. When a partner wonders, “I’m curious what made that so painful for you,” instead of defending, healing begins.
Curiosity is a way of expressing love, as it says, “You’re worth wondering about.”
The Therapist’s Curiosity: Modeling the Stance
In therapy, the “curious stance” is inherently healing. This stance involves the therapist showing genuine curiosity about the client’s experiences and feelings. Families often arrive hoping for insight or answers, but genuine healing begins when someone in the room—usually starting with the therapist—adopts this curious stance.
Curiosity slows things down and opens a little breathing room. When I ask, “I wonder what happens inside you when you hear that?” or “What do you imagine it’s like for your son in that moment?”— a different kind of conversation becomes possible.
The couples therapist Dan Wile maintained that most fights between couples begin when partners feel misunderstood. When couples start wondering about each other—how each other’s behavior makes sense from the inside—the fight turns into a dialogue.
Curiosity can be contagious; when one person starts asking genuine questions, it sets off a chain reaction that unifies and connects.
Practicing Curiosity in Family Life
Adopting curiosity can be challenging, particularly during intense emotions or conflicts. It requires self-awareness, patience, and a willingness to alter habitual responses. When irritation arises, try pausing before reacting. Ask yourself, “What might I not yet understand?” Try reflecting: “Tell me more about that.”
Here are some ideas for nurturing your and your family’s curiosity:
- Ask open-ended questions you don’t already know the answers to.
- Trade “why” for “what.” “Why did you do that?” can invite defense; “What was that like for you?” invites sharing.
- Ask for elaboration: “Tell me more about that.”
- Notice your body. A relaxed jaw, an open stance, and eye contact can all show curiosity.
- Be curious about yourself—your reactions, your triggers, your hopes. Understanding your own reactions and triggers can help you sustain curiosity with family members.
A Path to Connection
When curiosity enters a family conversation, the atmosphere softens. A parent leans forward. A child speaks more openly. This shift in dynamics fosters understanding and connection.
While curiosity doesn’t erase pain, it creates a safe, open environment that allows family members to explore each other.
Einstein called it “holy curiosity.” In family life, it can bring back wonder—and begin the healing.
-Posted by Jonah Green
Jonah Green, a therapist at Jonah Green and Associates, LLC, offers individual and family therapy, including parent-adult child counseling, in North Bethesda, Maryland, serving clients in Montgomery County, DC, and surrounding areas.