Therapists, workshops, and “how-to” guides offer plenty of sound advice for improving communication: use I rather than you statements (“I feel hurt” instead of “You’re so mean”), empathize with the other’s perspective, mirror their words, be specific rather than global (“I wish you’d call when you’re late” instead of “You never think of me”), and avoid mind-reading (“I know you said that just to hurt me”).
But these skills are much harder to apply in the heat of conflict. Arguments stir emotion, flooding the nervous system and making thoughtful communication nearly impossible. You may know the “right” thing to say—perhaps “I know you have a point, but I feel hurt”—yet in the moment, what bursts out is “Why do you always have to be so critical?!”
It’s understandable to defend ourselves when we feel attacked. Even a well-phrased I feel statement can make us vulnerable if our partner isn’t feeling empathetic. And sometimes “proper” communication feels too mild to express our pain. “How the hell could you do this?!” may capture the emotion that “I feel offended” cannot.
The Alternative: “Reporting” Upset Feelings
The late couples therapist Dan Wile, Ph.D., offered an elegant alternative: “reporting upset.” Wile described this as “talking about the state of mind that is blocking communication,” a way to express emotion without escalating the conflict or retreating into silence.
Here are a few examples:
- “I’m so outraged right now I can’t think straight.”
- “As you can see, I have powerful feelings about this.”
- “I’m so devastated, I just don’t know what to say.”
Reporting your upset acknowledges your emotional state without attacking your partner. It signals awareness and self-restraint, carrying the implicit message: “I’d say this better if I could.” This often softens the impact of your words and makes your partner more receptive. It can also serve as a bridge towards expressing your deeper feelings with clarity and compassion.
A Way to Stay Connected
Conflict is inevitable in close relationships; the stakes are high because we depend on our partners to meet many of our emotional needs. Yet even during moments of anger or hurt, it’s possible to build intimacy rather than distance. The next time you feel triggered, try reporting your upset. You may find it helps you stay connected—and find your way back to heartfelt communication.
-Posted by Jonah Green
Jonah Green, a therapist at Jonah Green and Associates, LLC, offers therapy services for children, teens, families, and adults in North Bethesda, Maryland, serving clients in Montgomery County, DC, and the surrounding areas.