You have a choice at that moment. You can reply with a quick, “Uh-huh” while continuing to focus on your meal and move on to the next topic on your mind, or you could follow your partner’s gaze and respond with, “Oh yeah, that’s a beautiful bird!”

That small act of attunement can predict the future of your relationship with your partner. You may not realize it, but that was their bid for connection. 

What are Bids for Connection:

Dr. John Gottman, a world-renowned clinical psychologist known for his breakthrough research on relationships, has observed couples in his “Love Lab” for over 40 years. He found a significant indicator of how likely a couple will stay together long-term: How well they respond to one another’s bids for connection.

Bids are verbal or non-verbal attempts to connect with our loved ones. They can include a physical gesture, a facial expression, a question, or a comment. Some examples of verbal bids may be:

• It’s going to be cold today.
• Are you excited about dinner tomorrow?
• I’m feeling nervous about my presentation. 
• I listened to a great podcast the other day.
• How was your day at work?

Non-verbal bids may include a hug or a kiss, a smile or a wink, eye contact, or a sigh.

Turning Towards

Turning towards or accepting a bid means paying attention to your partner, which helps them feel seen and strengthens trust, as well as emotional and physical connection. It can be as simple as offering a smile, a hug, saying “I hear you; tell me more”, asking a follow-up question, or making a comment. When you turn towards your partner, you deposit in your relationship’s Emotional Bank Account. Building and storing up positive, emotional savings can help your relationship during challenging times.

Based on Gottman’s research, couples in happy, lasting relationships (Relationship Masters) turn towards one another about 86% of the time. In contrast, couples who are more likely to divorce (Relationship Disasters) turn towards one another only about one-third of the time. 

Turning Away and Turning Against 

Even the most loving, attuned couples turn away from one another’s bids for connection some of the time. In a world where constant distractions are literally in the palms of our hands, and multitasking has become part of our day-to-day reality, it is easy to miss our partners’ attempts for attention. Turning away occurs when we offer preoccupied responses, such as “Uh-huh” or a disinterested “Yes”, or even complete silence. 

Per Gottman, “Unlike Turning Away, Turning Against has a bite to it” and often takes the form of sarcasm or criticism. Whether someone intends to “bite” or is merely feeling irritable at the moment, turning against can feel hurtful to the partner. 

The good news is that we can learn to pay attention to our partners’ bids for connection by looking for those comments, questions, and gestures. We can practice active listening by maintaining eye contact, allowing our loved ones to finish their sentences, asking follow-up questions, and providing validation when needed. Saying “Sounds tough”, “You seem excited”, or even “Oh, yeah” may be all it takes to help our partners feel seen and heard. We can also gently say, “I was making a bid for connection” as a way to give our partners the benefit of the doubt and help them recognize our attempts to get their attention. 

The Bird Test

Dr. Gottman’s Bids for Connection became viral when TikTok users put their partners to the test by pointing out a bird (verbal bid for connection) and filming their reactions. If the partner engaged by asking, “Where?” or showing more interest in the bird, they had an increased likelihood of staying together longer based on Gottman’s research.  

While I’m not suggesting that you put your partner to the test, most of us would benefit from practicing mindfulness in the presence of our loved ones. It could be as simple as putting your phone away when your partner walks into the room or starts a conversation with you. If you recognize that you had turned away, you may say, “I’m sorry, I was preoccupied. Could you repeat that?” That act of Repair, an attempt to reconnect and prevent negativity, is another predictor of relationship longevity according to the Gottman Method.

So next time your partner points out a bird, mentions something of interest to them, or raises a concern, try to turn towards them mindfully. Making small, ongoing deposits in your emotional bank account can strengthen your relationship and the nest you have built for years to come. 

Posted by Yasmin Meyers, LCSW-C

Yasmin is a therapist at Jonah Green and Associates, LLC, which provides therapy services for children, teens, families, and adults in North Bethesda, Maryland. The practice serves clients in Montgomery County, DC, and the surrounding areas.

The post Look at That Bird: Turning Towards Bids for Connection to Improve Your Relationship  appeared first on Jonah Green and Associates.

How Come the Program is Focused on Parents?

Individual or group therapy for anxiety in children and adolescents can be highly effective. SPACE treatment offers an alternative approach, which a therapist can provide alongside child therapy or on its own.   

Has your child demonstrated resistance to treatment or to your attempts to help them decrease their avoidance behaviors? Do they melt down when you ask them to engage in an activity that they find anxiety-provoking? SPACE treatment places no demands on the child but focuses on ways that you, the caregiver, can help reduce your child’s anxiety by changing your behaviors. This approach does NOT presume that parents are the problem. It does, however, propose that parents can be an essential part of the solution! To better understand how parents may help, let’s look at the anxiety and accommodation cycle according to SPACE:

While anxiety is a healthy emotion that alerts people to danger, an anxiety disorder exists when anxiety is exaggerated.  When children face a real or perceived threat, their Fight or Flight, an automatic physiological reaction, is activated. Because young children cannot independently cope with dangers, they signal their caregivers that they are distressed. They may cry, yell, or tantrum to avoid the stressful situation. In response, parents and caregivers who pick up those stress signals soothe their children, which makes anxiety in children an interpersonal event. Here’s the good news: Changing how you respond to your child can help them overcome their anxiety. 

What Happens in SPACE?

SPACE treatment helps parents focus on two types of behavior changes:

1. Increasing support: You will learn to respond supportively to your anxious child by showing them acceptance and confidence in their ability to handle their feelings. Your SPACE treatment-trained clinician will help you to identify supportive statements that convey to your child that you understand that something is genuinely hard for them (even if it may appear irrational or exaggerated). You are confident they can handle the stress and cope with complicated feelings. 
2. Decreasing Accommodation: Accommodation refers to any action you may take (or not do) because of your child’s anxiety. If your child or adolescent displays fear, you can probably think of changes you have made in your behavior in response. Maybe you speak for your child when the waiter takes your order because your child feels nervous in social situations, Or perhaps you provide reassurance to your child only to find out they return with more (or the same) questions. You may not remember the last time you and your partner had a date night because your child is anxious about staying home with a babysitter. You are not alone if you recognize yourself in any of those examples. Research shows that parents’ accommodation to children’s anxiety is widespread. Unfortunately, while accommodations may offer short-term relief to both child and caregiver, it reinforces and exacerbates the tension and may disrupt family functioning. 

SPACE treatment aims to help you by breaking the cycle of anxiety. Increasing support and decreasing accommodations will help your child AVOID THEIR AVOIDANCE and learn how to self-regulate independently. Your SPACE treatment-trained clinician will help you to:

• Understand your child’ or adolescent’s anxiety and avoidance behaviors
• Identify your accommodation responses to your child’s or adolescent’s anxiety
• Choose behavioral targets to remove unhelpful accommodations 
• Write a supportive, clear letter to your child informing them of changes in your behaviors
• Make, implement, and troubleshoot a plan
• Provide you with tools for coping with your child’s reactions to your behavioral changes 
• Provide support and assess progress 

Who Can Benefit from SPACE?

SPACE can treat various anxiety disorders in children and adolescents, including Generalized Anxiety, Separation Anxiety, Social Anxiety, Selective Mutism, Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder, and Panic Disorder.

Does your child exhibit any of these behaviors:

• Clings to you and refuses to speak in social situations
• Is afraid to fall or stay asleep in their bed at night
• Asks the same question over and over again in an attempt to seek reassurance and certainty
• Exhibits irrational fears or repetitive behaviors
• Avoids certain places or situations 

Do you wish to:

• Help your child become more independent
• Help your child transition between activities more smoothly
• Reduce unhelpful, stressful rituals
• Expand your child’s and family’s activities and social engagements
• Reclaim your bedroom

If you have answered yes to any of the above, then SPACE treatment could help you break the anxiety cycle and regain control of your family life!

-Posted by Yasmin Meyers

The post WHAT ON EARTH IS SPACE (TREATMENT)? appeared first on Jonah Green and Associates.

What is self-compassion?

According to Dr. Kristin Neff, self-compassion entails being warm and understanding toward ourselves when we suffer, fail, or feel inadequate rather than ignoring our pain or beating ourselves up with self-criticism. Dr. Neff has identified three main components of self-compassion: 

1. Self-kindness (showing kindness rather than criticism towards oneself under challenging times)
2. Common humanity (recognizing imperfection and suffering as a shared human experience) 
3. Mindfulness (observing one’s thoughts and emotions without judgment and without attempts to ignore or exaggerate our experience).

Here are some practical ways to practice self-compassion:

Think about what you would say to a friend who is having a difficult time. Most of us can offer compassion to others, yet we find it difficult or unnatural to show kindness to ourselves. Alternatively, think about what a compassionate, kind friend would say to you and channel their compassion into your self-talk. Try saying to yourself, “this is hard. I am learning a new skill, and it takes time to form a new habit”. Or, “change takes time and is not linear. Setbacks are a natural part of progress”. 

Keep a self-compassion journal. Journaling correlates with improvement in mental health and goal achievement. Set aside a few minutes each day to write about a challenging experience you had. First, record your feelings and thoughts and refrain from judgment (“I feel like a bad parent because I was overly critical of my child”). Then, write down how your experience connects to the human experience (“Parenting is a hard job, and all parents make mistakes”). Finally, write kind, compassionate words to yourself (“I am doing my best, and I will make mistakes from time to time. I am getting better at recognizing triggers, and I will take steps to repair and reconnect with my child”). 

Engage in acts of self-care. By engaging in self-care activities, such as reading a book, taking a warm bath, or practicing mindfulness, you are validating that treating yourself with compassion and kindness is essential. Make it a habit to engage in acts of self-care daily. Try setting aside a specific time each day, and be kind to yourself if you skip it!

Practice Mindfulness. Mindfulness allows us to be in the moment and observe our experience in a non-judgmental way and without reacting to it. It fosters an acceptance of our experience “as is” and reduces resistance. You can shift your focus to the here and now by paying attention to your breath or by engaging in grounding exercises, such as becoming mindful of your body’s surroundings. Spending time in nature holds many opportunities for conscious observation, mindful awareness, and appreciation. 

Tips to help your child practice self-compassion:

Model self-compassion. Children learn what they see, so they find opportunities to demonstrate self-compassion. You may say aloud, “oh, I made a mistake with the recipe ingredients, and the cake has sunk. Oh well, we all make mistakes sometimes, and I’ll try to be more mindful next time”. Or at the dinner table, “I feel disappointed because I wasn’t on my A-game at work today. I know that everyone feels this way sometimes, and I can try to do things differently tomorrow”.

Foster a Growth Mindset. People who have a growth mindset believe in their ability to improve their skills with effort and practice. Help your child realistically assess their strengths and weaknesses and identify areas for growth and improvement. You can ask them to respond to setbacks in encouraging and discouraging ways.

Help your child externalize their inner critic. We all have an inner critic in us. Giving it a name or drawing what our inner critic may look like allows your child to separate themselves from it and gain control over it. Encourage your child to talk back to their inner critic and say, “I may struggle in math, but there are different types of smarts. I’m a hard worker, and I can ask for help”. 

-Posted by Yasmin Meyers

The post For This New Year’s Resolution, Consider Adding a Self-Compassion Goal  appeared first on Jonah Green and Associates.