The road is long / / But I’m strong / Strong enough to carry him/ He ain’t heavy, he’s my brother.
—The Hollies, 1969

When adult siblings enter therapy together, they carry not only active concerns, but also a shared past. Sometimes the past includes fierce competition, arguments, and traumas such as violence, illness, abuse, neglect, addiction, or divorce. Many also carry memories of playing together or supporting one another. 

In a world that emphasizes romantic partnerships and parent-child bonds, many of us overlook the potential for healing sibling relationships. Yet, these enduring relationships hold the potential for profound healing. 

Why Sibling Bonds Matter—Even in Adulthood

Psychologist Avidan Milevsky describes the unique protective nature of adult sibling relationships. These bonds can be a source of support during challenging moments, such as relationship problems, difficulties with children, illness, or job loss. This potential for supportive love can remain untapped, however, sometimes due to years of tension or emotional distance.

What Brings Siblings to Therapy

Siblings rarely come to therapy when things are going well. More often, something has cracked open—an illness, an estate dispute, a caregiving imbalance, or the death of a parent—and underneath it lies a tangle of old roles, unmet needs, and untold stories.

Karen Gail Lewis, in her book Sibling Therapy, writes: “Adult siblings enter therapy with childhood voices still echoing in their ears—voices that shaped how they see themselves and each other, often without realizing it.” She describes these memories as “ghosts”—frozen images, unspoken loyalties, old injustices—that quietly haunt them. 

Therapy offers a chance to name these ghosts and loosen their grip, both to heal each other and other relationships.

What Happens in Sibling Therapy

Therapy can help siblings navigate practical matters—such as caregiving or dividing assets—while also revisiting how each sibling experienced the family and identifying emotional patterns that have lingered. In the process, therapists may help siblings practice transparent and intentional communication. They may also explore how each sibling experienced the emotional impact of experiences such as traumatic events, friction between parents, illness, parental favoritism, or the unequal distribution of family responsibilities.

Therapy can help uncover unspoken rules governing sibling relationships, such as who leads, who displays competence, who apologizes, or who expresses vulnerability. As roles loosen, opportunities open for forgiveness and stronger bonds. The insight gained can also have a positive impact on other relationships.

Increased Connection and Empathy

Not every sibling relationship becomes closer through therapy. Sometimes, the goals may be limited to fostering respect and boundaries. However, in many cases, siblings start to look at each other with curiosity rather than old assumptions, and their relationships begin to transform. The moment one says, “I didn’t know you felt that way,” or “I see now what you were carrying,” increased connection and empathy ensue. 

“He ain’t heavy,” the song reminds us. “He’s my brother.” This verse captures the essence of sibling therapy, as loads lighten and opportunities open up to “carry” one another.

A Gentle Invitation

Sibling therapy is not about forcing closeness. It’s about offering space—where people linked by childhood and shaped by the adult world can reflect, speak, and perhaps remember each other with more tenderness.

Sometimes the most potent therapy doesn’t add something new. Sibling therapy can foster a long-term relationship, building understanding and connection, so that each individual can carry the other, with less heaviness and more care.

-Posted by Jonah Green

Jonah Green, a therapist at Jonah Green and Associates, LLC, offers therapy services for children, teens, families, and adults in North Bethesda, Maryland, serving clients in Montgomery County, DC, and the surrounding areas.

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Sibling relationships are often our longest. While they can offer immeasurable support, they can be among the most hurtful when bonds rupture. In Brothers, Sisters, Strangers: Sibling Estrangement and the Road to Reconciliation, Chapman combines personal experience with interviews to guide those inhabiting this confusing and painful terrain.

Understanding the Roots of Estrangement

Estrangement often has roots in early events or old patterns—childhood trauma, parental favoritism, or long-term differences or misunderstandings. Differing expectations about contact or support, friction with siblings’ partners, triangulation with other family members, and battles over parental care or asset distribution can all precipitate ruptures during adulthood. Chapman’s insights invite people to look beneath conflicts and explore the emotional forces underlying divisions. Understanding these roots facilitates healing, with or without reconciliation.

Here are some helpful ideas from Chapman:

1. Self-Inquiry

Before reaching out, take time to reflect. What are you hoping for? What still hurts? Are you seeking reconciliation or closure? Chapman’s companion workbook, The Sibling Estrangement Journal, can clarify these questions. I sometimes encourage clients to write letters they won’t send to illuminate thoughts and feelings. 

2. Reconnection Isn’t Always the Goal

One of the most valuable messages in Brothers, Sisters, Strangers is that healing from estrangement does not always require reconnection. Sometimes, finding ways to manage the feelings that come with accepting estrangement offers the most realistic path. Chapman’s perspective encourages readers to explore the question: Can I live with the relationship as it is? This approach liberates you from the pressure of always aiming for reconnection. 

I would add that reconnection can sometimes happen at later stages, after conflict has simmered down, and acknowledging the sibling through nonintrusive communications like birthday cards can keep the possibility of reconciliation open.

3. If You Reach Out, Proceed with Gentleness

If you attempt reconnection, Chapman recommends avoiding past grievances in initial contacts. Expressions of care or curiosity are usually the best route. I sometimes encourage clients to share personal feelings without blame: “I’ve been thinking about you. I wonder if you’re open to talking.” This approach allows you to express feelings and desires without stimulating defensiveness. I may also strategize with clients on managing if siblings raise grievances and practice “acknowledging and redirecting.”

4. Maintain Dignity and Boundaries

Chapman advocates a “dignity model” for re-engagement: listening to understand, not to correct, and practicing active listening–reflecting and validating. She also emphasizes healthy boundaries that help you feel respected and safe. It’s okay to say, “I want connection but also respect.” This approach can help you feel respected and secure, and set clear boundaries and expectations for re-engagement.

I would add that demanding apologies is particularly treacherous. While a sibling’s acknowledgment of past misdeeds can feel liberating, it is best to allow for softening by acknowledging your role in the estrangement, making requests, providing validation, and actively listening. 

5. Build Connection—Even Without Your Sibling

If reconciliation is not possible, that doesn’t mean you have to live without close bonds. Chapman reminds us of the power of “chosen family”—friends, mentors, committed partners, and communities who help us feel valued. When clients mourn the loss of sibling relationships, I invite them to name other sources of support and explore what connections they wish to create.

Moving Forward with Compassion

Estrangement represents “ambiguous loss.” There is no funeral, but grief is real. Whether you seek reconciliation or peace of mind, Brothers, Sisters, Strangers offers thoughtful guidance. The book reminds us that whatever path we choose—reaching out, letting go, or holding both—we can maintain self-respect and compassion, and offer ourselves the care and acknowledgment we may never have received from our siblings.

-Posted by Jonah Green, the owner and director of Jonah Green and Associates, LLC, which provides therapy for children, teens, families, and adults in North Bethesda, Maryland, as well as for clients in Chevy Chase, Montgomery County, Washington, DC, and the surrounding areas.

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As parents age, siblings often engage in intense communication over emotionally laden and complex issues. Intense and fraught interactions may occur over caregiving responsibilities, healthcare decisions, end-of-life planning, “ambiguous loss” as parents decline, the death and dying process, and ultimately, the distribution of family assets. Each event or change requires more coordination and discussion. 

While differences and even discord are sometimes impossible to avoid, there are steps you can take to mitigate conflict, facilitate smoother decision-making, and even bring about more supportive relationships. These steps include:

Avoid lasting damage

Given the need to address complex, charged issues and the addition of new problems over time, the aging process can cause harm to sibling relationships that reverberate for years. Avoid toxic expressions such as accusations (“You never do anything”), labeling (“What a moron”), dismissal (“What do you know?”), or implications of sinister motives (“You just want to avoid work”). While you may not always be able to avoid harmful words in the heat of upset, you can repair it by offering an apology or acknowledgment.

Watch for “toxic alliances.” 

You may coordinate more with one or more siblings if the rapport is better or if they can better help; others may feel left out, leading to “us against them” mentalities that fuel hurt and resentment. Try as much as feasible to include all siblings in significant discussions or tasks; avoid ” gathering evidence” during disagreements by referencing others’ opinions or implying that people are on “sides.” 

Facilitate a “truce”

When interactions around aging parents begin, your siblings may reference past grievances. Instead of defending or counter-attacking, it can help to offer an acknowledgment or apology (“Maybe I haven’t been as attentive an aunt as I could have been.”). If you feel upset about previous issues, refer to them generally or propose you talk another time. (“I hold hurt feelings from when my kids were young. Let’s make sure we talk about both our concerns so we can work better together.”)

Attend to your relationship, not just the tasks at hand

Whether you have kept up or grown apart, focusing on others’ needs and interests is always helpful. Ask about families, careers, or interests and connect around shared interests and memories. As the relationship strengthens, you and your siblings will better navigate the problems that arise, fostering a sense of hope and optimism.

Make Space for Thoughts and Feelings

Parental illness, decline, and death bring up fear, sadness, anger, and other grueling emotions. Arguments reflect the power of these feelings. Acknowledging the emotions involved (“I’m sure all of us are in shock right now.”) can help calm things down. Hearing and validating your siblings’ feelings (“Of course it’s upsetting”) can help them be less reactive and more understanding.

Express Opinions Thoughtfully

As parents age, complex decisions accumulate: which doctors and procedures seem best, what levels of care parents need, which attorneys to use, and more. Differences of opinion are inevitable. Couples and communication expert John Gottman recommends “soft startups” during disagreements. Statements such as “I know you’ve thought your opinion through” communicate respect and may help them be open to your ideas. Avoid ordering, judging, or putting your sibling on the defensive when you express yourself. Be specific, using “I” statements: (“I’m concerned about this doctor because___and I’d like us to look at this one because___”).

Managing the complexities and charged emotions that come with your parents’ aging, decline, and death is inevitably complicated; sibling conflict can make it unbearable. By attending to the quality of interactions with your siblings, you can limit relationship damage and find ways to make your relationship more supportive as you move through difficult times. 

-Posted by Jonah Green, the owner and director of Jonah Green and Associates, LLC, which provides therapy for children, teens, families, and adults in North Bethesda, Maryland, as well as for clients in Chevy Chase, Montgomery County, Washington, DC, and the surrounding areas.

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Sibling rivalry is the inevitable result of having more than one child, as children struggle to claim their places within the family and to define themselves as individuals. They compete for parental love and attention, fearing they won’t get their “share.” Engaging with one’s brother or sister in sibling rivalry is also stimulating and appealing. It can give younger siblings power over older ones.  It’s a wonderful antidote to boredom; a child has their sibling’s attention, and more often than not, a parent also becomes fully engaged in a high-energy way.

As adversarial as it may seem to parents, most sibling fighting is actually evidence of an unspoken agreement between children to fight. It really does take two to dance the sibling rivalry tango. A dance which can provide real benefits to children. It’s an excellent laboratory for experimenting with self-assertion, agreements, and compromise. Here children can learn how to get along with people with different personalities, interests, and needs.  It helps children develop toughness, resilience, patience, and empathy.

So what can we do to de-escalate the conflict, keep our sanity, be able to enjoy our family, and allow our children to gain the benefits of a healthy sibling rivalry?

Often they’re just playing. Don’t assume it is a fight, even if it looks and sounds like one. Check with them. In my experience of working with countless families, these annoying behaviors are frequently some form of “play” and children are quite honest in admitting that. They enjoy a lot about the skirmishes and don’t want to give them up.  If it is play, they can take it outside or somewhere away from you or find something else to do. If it is a fight, teach them skills to solve their conflict rather than arbitrating it for them.

Teach problem-solving skills. Sometimes kids fight because they actually don’t know how else to resolve their disagreement. Begin by describing out loud what you see, without taking sides or placing blame. “I see two boys and one truck.”  Each child can explain what he or she is feeling, while you listen respectfully and reflect back what is said. Empathize with their feelings without passing judgment. Encourage the children to come up with their own solutions to the underlying conflict and to agree upon one to try. Step in only if their plan is dangerous or unreasonable, sending them back to come up with another idea.  Do not solve it for them, although you may offer ideas if they are stuck.  When they have crafted their own agreements, they will be invested in making them work.  Once they have learned the skills, you can step back and trust them to handle it. Have faith in them and communicate a belief that they can work it out, rather than the assumption that they are unable to get along.

Help them develop self-regulation. A kid who is flooded with emotion is not in the best place to resolve conflict. Teach self-calming techniques like slow breathing and mindfulness.  Anger management training is particularly important for children who live with a sibling who knows all their buttons and delights in pushing them.  All children may need help in learning how to politely wait for something they urgently want and how to gracefully accept “no” for an answer. Children can learn how to recognize and articulate their feelings and desires so they can “use their words” and advocate for themselves.  They also have to be taught how to recognize the feelings of others.  “Look at the irritated look on Steve’s face.  See how he is hunched in and scowling.  Does he look like he wants to play with his legos with you right now? What would be another way to ask him to play with you? “

Set limits on unacceptable behaviors.  Each family will draw their own lines according to their family values. Limits might include things like no harming others and no destruction of property.  Roughhousing can only be by mutual consent.  Any object that is the source of fighting will be put away for a specified period of time.  Fighting that irritates others will be taken outside.  Tattlers only get a parent’s ear when reporting something dangerous.

The consequences for breaking the limits should also be laid out in advance as much as possible.  Fighters will be separated for a cooling off period. If one child hurts the other, they should be involved in the healing, such as bringing ice or bandaids.  All participants share in any restitution for damages.  This can be done by repairing or replacing the damaged object, by working it off, or through some agreed upon creative plan.

Maintain a neutral position. Don’t take sides. All combatants should be treated alike—no matter who started it, who said what, or who did what to whom. Because in fact, you don’t know what each has done to fuel the fight, even if you were right there. Those side-ways looks, invasions of personal space, and other incendiary actions often fly right under our radar. And even if one child is clearly the instigator, we don’t want to unintentionally encourage sibling rivalry by teaching them to play victim or that a sure-fire way to get a sibling in trouble is egg them on until they lash out. So when fighting happens, treat everyone the same way—ignore them both, help them both with problem solving, separate them both for a cooling off period, or impose the same consequences on both of them.

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Give positive attention. In most households, when our children are getting along, we take advantage of the moment, ignore them, and do our own thing. Then as soon as they start fighting, we are right on them. Instead, give them your attention for the behaviors you want to encourage. “I see two kids having a great time building with blocks.” “Wow, you sound like you’re having a lot of fun with those water balloons in the back yard!”  “I noticed that you’ve figured out a way to share the iPad that seems to work for both of you.”

Making sure that each child has some one-on-one time with you, where you enter into their interests and activities, minimizes their need to compete for parental attention. Giving children real jobs to do within the family not only gets the work done but also has positive side benefits—a  child who is responsible for the family pet or makes the family dinner every Thursday is less likely to seek negative ways to feel important.  Frequent fun activities shared by the whole family build goodwill and a portfolio of positive ways to interact.

Allow some selfishness. Everyone needs their own time and space and interests.  Each member of the family—parent or child—should have a place and things they can call their own and not be required to share.

Look to our own behaviors. What are our children observing and learning from us? How do we treat others? Solve our own problems? How are we treating our children? Are we explicitly or subtly comparing them? Favoring one? Casting them in roles such as the athletic one, the smart one, the difficult one? Do we work so hard at treating them fairly and equitably, that we’ve created an unhealthy focus on each insisting on getting their share, rather than creating a general atmosphere of mutual respect, support, and fairness?

Address sibling abuse. Not all fighting between children is sibling rivalry; children can be bullies or abusers.  What distinguishes abusive behaviors is that they aim to tear down or harm the other child, not compete for parental attention.  Mutual consent is lacking.  One child is always the victim and may consistently try to avoid the aggressor(s).  Sometimes the victim may then turn around and abuse a younger child.  Physical abuse includes the use of weapons or age inappropriate hitting, choking, biting, or slapping.  Emotional abuse can include severe ridiculing, intimidating, teasing or provoking.  Sexual abuse includes sexual touching and indecent exposure. If you suspect abuse seek help.  A trained professional will be able to more objectively evaluate what is going on, advise you, and provide the help family members need.

Enjoy your vibrant family. As parents turn over responsibility for resolving sibling conflict to the siblings and as children develop their skills in self-advocacy, problem-solving, and conflict resolution, things will improve. As parents worry less about the fighting, their own energy and attention is freed up for other things. But lest things get too tranquil, the occasional flare-up will add a little spice to your day, just as it does to your children’s.

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Couples and family members who enter therapy to improve their relationships have usually endured long periods of harsh conflict.  Couples might be caught in repetitive cycles of criticism and defensiveness; parents and teens might be trapped in power struggles; siblings may find themselves in escalating rivalries.  Anguished to stop destructive arguments, people usually begin therapy focused on containing their conflicts.  Therapists can help clients to manage their conflicts by helping them engage in respectful communication focused on thoughts and feelings, and avoiding excessive blame, criticism, and stonewalling.  With improved communication, power struggles can become more manageable, and conflicts can more easily resolve.

While less conflict and improved communication can offer relief, additional work is usually necessary to make lasting improvements in relationships.  Hurtful and unproductive communication often coincides with a weakening of relationship ties.  Harboring hurt or angry feelings, people in conflict usually grow more guarded, and begin to lose touch with others’ experiences and inner worlds.    They may offer fewer expressions of appreciation, fondness, and caring, and communicate less about daily needs, leading to further misunderstandings and mistrust.  Feelings of security, safety, and enjoyment begin to wane.

John Gottman, a Psychologist from Seattle, Washington who has studied relationships for over 30 years, likens a sound relationship to a “house”.  He sees conflict management, while essential, as the “middle part” of a relationship’s house.  The house’s “foundations” involve understanding others’ inner worlds, sharing fondness and admiration, attending to others’ needs, and developing an overall positive perspective, all of which build up what Gottman calls an “emotional bank account” that can be drawn on during difficult times.  Effective relationship therapy not only helps people to manage conflict so that they do not “draw down” their emotional accounts, but also helps them build up goodwill by focusing on their relationships’ foundations.  Therapists might encourage family members to ask questions that demonstrate curiosity, or encourage them to express appreciation. They might encourage children and parents to play together, or ask couples to spend some time each day kissing or hugging each other, or just holding hands.

Conflict is an inevitable aspect of close relationships.  The struggle of children for more choices might conflict with a parent’s need to set limits; the need of one member of a couple for autonomy might conflict with their partner’s need for intimacy.  Therapy can help people to minimize destructive conflict and develop more productive communication; it can also be a vehicle for loved ones to rediscover the security, trust, appreciation and joy that are essential to the success of intimate relationships.

–Posted by Jonah Green

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