The idea of ToM came out of the primatology field in studies of chimpanzees during the late 1970s. The central question concerned whether chimpanzees’ minds could represent the mental states, beliefs, and desires of other chimpanzees.  Studies tested this notion to clarify these same questions for human children in child psychology. 

In 1983, two cognitive neuroscientists devised a test to measure explicit ToM in children. The adjective “explicit” refers to the verbal proof of ToM that most children around three years can demonstrate. The test intends to show evidence of a child’s ToM by whether the child selects the correct answer to a question posed at the end of a scenario involving two people. The researchers gave this test to children from ages 3-9 years and found that at age 4, most of the children passed the test while most of the children three and under failed the test.

In 1985, Simon Baron-Cohen, Alan Leslie, and Uta Firth developed a version of this test that has become widely known and used called a “Salley Anne” test. The examiner shows a cartoon of two children, Sally and Anne.  Sally has a basket with a marble, and Anne has a box.  Sally takes the marble out of her basket, puts it in Anne’s box, and leaves.  While Sally is gone, Anne takes the marble from her box and returns it to Sally’s basket.  The question is then asked of the child:  “Where will Sally look for her marble?”  

That study gave this test to 27 children at least four years of age. The researchers concluded that those children answering that Sally would look in Anne’s box for her marble demonstrated ToM by showing they understood that Sally believed her marble would be where she last placed it. Therefore, these children showed they could predict where Sally would look based on what they thought she believed. 

After several replications, the findings were overwhelmingly consistent for neurotypical children. Neurotypical three-year-olds routinely failed the ToM test, while neurotypical four-year-olds mostly passed it. These findings helped establish ToM as a growing specialty across several professional fields that seek to understand better one of the psychological cornerstones of human development and social experience.

Thus, when children start lying to their parents, it can be understood as a sign that they are entering an essential developmental stage that allows them to develop a capacity that is fundamental in shaping how they see themselves and get along with others.  Lying is a misbehavior that enables parents to support children’s optimal relational, emotional, and social development and enrich their relationship with their child. 

Kids have built-in lie detectors, and they always have them trained on your mind. As a parent, these lie detectors can be a vehicle for increased psychological health.  Expressing what is on your mind transparently and responsibly can be challenging but helpful to everyone involved.  The following dialogue provides a brief glimpse of what a Mother who understands ToM can look like when interacting with her Child about lying.   

Ch:  What’s the matter, Mommy?

            M:   Mommy is angry right now, kiddo.  

            Ch: Are you angry at me, Mommy?

            M:   I’m not angry at you but what you did. That you lied to me about          

                   eating snacks in your room. 

            Ch: How did you know!?

            M:   I found Sun Chips wrappers under your bed.          

            Ch: I’m sorry, Mommy.

            M:  What are you sorry about, dear? 

            Ch: That you’re angry.

            M:   I can understand why you would be sorry about my feelings.  At the same time, my 

       anger is my business to deal with, and I will figure out how to manage that 

       myself.       

            Ch:   Okay.

Such interactions, which feature empathy and transparency about what is on one’s mind, fosters both the development of a child’s ToM and the parent-child relationship. Although not often discussed in helping fields or by the general public, ToM is pervasive in the human condition and familiar to most people’s experience.  Having it on your radar as a parent can be a valuable tool to make more sense out of ordinary, sophisticated, and sometimes bewildering family experiences and to help you better relate to your children and foster their growth.  

-Posted by Aron Carlson, LCSW-C

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As parents, we want our children to be able to answer these questions with confidence.  But how do we go about this? It is important to let them know that they do not have to know the answer to this question and that their answers need not define them.  Simultaneously, as they develop, we want our children to develop the skills, interests, and abilities that will help them succeed in an ever-changing job market.

Consider if your child has had the 3 E’s: Education, Exposure, and Experience. Providing this easy-to-remember acronym, I hope to help you support your child to find happiness and satisfaction in the workplace.

Before we jump into the 3 E’s, I want to specify that “kids” refers primarily to children between 5-12. Early in life, kids recognize the significance of social groups and are influenced by their peers, translating into the need to gain approval by demonstrating appreciated and recognized skills. You can help kids realize how their play and interests tie to work as they experiment, learn, and grow.

When referring to young adults, I am referring to 12-18 years olds, who are typically searching for a sense of self and individuality and exploring future possibilities and forming opinions and identities, impacting their decisions about careers.

So, what are these three E’s?

 Education

• What Should I Understand?
  • Career education provides young people with knowledge about the skills, requirements, and information about different occupations. It helps young people make informed choices about careers and have a clear understanding of developing a career.

• How Do I Help My Child Gain Education?
  • Encourage and support the following example opportunities:

Exposure

• What Should I Understand?
  • Career exposure introduces kids and young adults to career options they may not have considered. Early career exposure can determine future career success. It helps them make better-informed decisions about the educational and career paths they would like to pursue in the future.

• How Do I Help My Child Gain Exposure?
  • Encourage and support the following example opportunities:

 Experience

• What Should I Understand?
  • Any experience that a person gains while working in a specific field or occupation can help them learn about different working environments and increase their employability while developing skills valued in the workplace. Such skills can include problem-solving, collaboration with team members, and punctuality. They can build a network of contacts who may serve as a reference or help your son/daughter secure a job in the future.

• How Do I Help My Child Gain Experience?
  • Encourage and support the following example opportunities:

Here are tips to support your children on this new adventure:

• Engage in Conversations About the Importance Of Work
  • Note that having a job or career can help a person feel good. Knowing you can do something well and earn money for your skills can be a great feeling.
  • Highlight the importance of developing new skills, learn new things, and create a record of employment.
  • For children, explain that if you have a job or a career, you can earn money. If you can make money, you can buy things you need, pay your bills, have a place to live, and do something you want to do.
  • Indicate that all experiences in life can provide insight into transferable skills and interests.

• Listen to Your Child’s Failures And Successes
  • Use active listening, the process of listening attentively, paraphrasing, and reflecting. Not sure how to do this? Click here to check out this resource.
• Help Your Child Learn About Himself or Herself
  • You can help them start thinking about those traits early and discuss how they will influence future career-related decisions.
  • Use fun and age-appropriate self-assessments (i.e., Meyers Briggs).

• Be Supportive in Exploring Different Career Options
  • When your child expresses interest in any occupation, encourage him or her to research it to learn more. Click here to check out the Occupational Outlook Handbook as a resource.
  • Remember that pressuring a child into an identity can lead to anxiety and a feeling of conflict if they don’t want to do what you want them to do.
  • Encourage them to ask people about their jobs when they are engaged in work with which you both are unfamiliar and what training they need, and if they like what they do.
  • Access your professional network to find someone your son/daughter can talk to when s/he expresses interest in learning about a particular career.

As kids grow, they learn about their skills, interests, and opportunities to contribute to their community. Along this journey, no matter how you explore employment with your son or daughter, remember to be open, encouraging, and supportive while exploring the workforce’s many options.

Posted by Ricardo Andrews

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The Waiting Game

This clever game gives children the chance to learn the ever-challenging skill of waiting.

1. Pick a space clear of distractions, and allow your child to pick an enticing toy with several components to it. I like to use a train track with many cars, or a box of sand with a bucket of toy animals.
2. Allow your child to pick two or three small toys to play with at a time (2 or three trains or animals, for example). Keep most of the toys in your control, just behind your back or on a higher surface.
3. Set up a timer and tell them they are allowed to play freely with their chosen toys until the timer goes off, at which point they can pick 2-3 more toys.
4. While they wait, teach them that they can have fun with what they already have! Engage and distract them with the toys they do have and remind that they will have to wait for more. Point to the timer and let them know how much time is left.  If they reach for more toys before the timer goes off, gently remind them that you know it is hard, but that they are practicing waiting.
5. Congratulate your child when they successfully wait for extra toys.

Hands Up

This is a fun game for little ones who just can’t seem to keep their hands off things.

1. Give them toys they love and practice saying “hands up,” every 30 to 90 seconds.
2. When they look at you and put their hands up, give them a big smile and praise them for listening! This will help next time you are in Ikea or Safeway and little hands start to go astray.

Simon Says or Red Light/Green Light

• These games require careful listening and a whole lot of self-control. Bonus, they get kids up and moving around.

Deep Breathing with Bubbles/Balloons

• To reduce impulses and self-soothe, try encouraging deep breathing. This sends signals from the body to the brain to help calm down. Encourage your children to blow bubbles or try to blow up a balloon. They don’t have to get it just right (they often can’t blow up balloons just yet), but the action will help them experience deep breathing.  They will then be able to “pretend” they are blowing bubbles in the future.

Elmo’s “Belly Breathing” Song

• Elmo’s Belly Breathing song can be very helpful for children who are a bit older and can make the connection between feeling angry and taking belly breaths to soothe themselves and reduce their impulses.

Rewards

• Reward systems can be helpful to reinforce and eliminate specific behaviors. For young children, it is most helpful to connect one behavior (i.e., keep your hands to yourself) with one reward (i.e., a cookie or 3 M&M’s).
• To encourage multiple positive behaviors throughout the day, I recommend breaking the day down into discrete chunks (breakfast, lunch, snack, and dinner, for example) and use those times as “checkpoints” to see if the child has been following their rule.  For example, if the rule is “you have to keep your hands to yourself to earn 1 mini Oreo,” check in at these times to see if your child has earned their treat. If they have earned their treat, give them their reward, say a few encouraging words, and remind them they have a chance for another treat in a few hours if they follow their rule.  If they don’t earn it, say, “Oh, looks like you didn’t keep your hands to yourself; let’s try to earn again next time.” No long lectures are needed!
• Of course, it is important for parents to help their children build internal motivation to manage their impulses through love, support, and fruitful conversation. Many little ones, however, are striving to manage very strong impulses, and external rewards can offer them the structure they need to be successful.

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The definition of lying (according to Merriam Webster Dictionary) is “to make an untrue statement with intent to deceive.”  Not all untruths that a child tells are actually lies.  Psychologist Dr. Marie Hartwell-Walker writes that kids watch parents to learn how they are suppose to behave in the world. “The need for truth-telling and the ability to understand the concept of lying are things that kids grow into” as they mature. (https://psychcentral.com/lib/when-a-child-lies/)

Fantasies

Young children have rich fantasy lives, and they will sometimes exaggerate or fabricate stories that are pleasing to them.  A girl may say that she five dogs tried to attack her on the way to school but she chased them away with a stick.  Fantasy can be a way for a child to feel powerful and to manage fear.  It is best not to label these tall tales as “lies,” since there does not appear to be any intent to deceive. They may not even be completely aware of the line between fantasy and truth.  It is better to address the emotional content, such as “you feel scared of dogs but found a way to feel safe. Good for you.” 

Self-Aggrandizing

Some children will lie to make themselves look good.  A boy might come home from school and say, “I got four goals during the soccer game – better than anyone else.”  If you find out for some reason that they have not told the truth, you can correct them, but be careful not to shame them by labeling them a liar.  You may want to say, “I know you really want to do well at soccer, but you don’t have to exaggerate your success.  I’m proud of you for trying your best and getting better at the game.”

Embarrassment

Children will lie sometimes when they are embarrassed about something, often related to toileting, body functions or sexual feelings.  These situations need to be handled gently, making sure not to humiliate the child further.

Fear Factor

Children also lie when they are afraid of getting in trouble, the proverbial “hand in the cookie jar” phenomenon.  You come home and find a ball had knocked over and broke a vase.  Your child tells you they didn’t do it, even though they were the only one home. Here you have two problems on hand.  The first is that your child disobeyed a household rule around indoor play.  The second is that they lied about it.  It is good to keep these problems separate.  You can decide to have a consequence for the broken vase (such as paying for it from their allowance,) as well as a consequence for lying (such as not being trusted to stay home alone for a period of time.) Consequences need to be reasonable, respectful, and aimed at learning rather than shaming.
Parents sometimes tell their children that there will be no consequences for their actions if they tell the truth.  However this conflates the two problems.  They still need to be accountable for the vase. It might be more effective to say “there will be no consequences for lying if you tell me the truth now.”

Seeking Protection 

Some children lie because they are genuinely afraid of an excessively angry, violent or punishing parent.  In this case parents can do well to examine their own behavior to see if they have created an atmosphere that discourages truth-telling.

Secrecy

As children get into the teenage years, they are likely to be concerned with privacy.  They will not report all details to their parents about peer relationships and other personal matters.  It is important to allow them their privacy, while being clear about the need to know information related to their safety.  Psychiatrist Michael Brody says that a new secrecy isn’t dishonesty, but is a sign of growing maturity.  “Kids who tell everything to their parents at age thirteen or fourteen are not growing up.”

(www.parenting.com/article/why-kids-lie-age-by-age)

Manipulation

As children get older, they will be more likely to lie in order to get something.  This infuriates parents because they feel as though they are being disrespected.  A girl tells her father that she finished her homework, so she can watch her favorite TV program.  It is important for a parent to see if the child is having trouble with a subject, needs help, or is just avoiding the work.  Addressing the homework issue as a problem in itself might be a good response to this kind of lying.  A natural consequence would be for the older child to realize that they will have to take responsibility for their own academic success.

When to Consult a Therapist

Family therapists can be helpful in sorting out the reasons that kids lie, increasing family communication, and helping parents understand their child better.  They can also help parents to think about appropriate consequences, aimed at teaching lessons rather than shaming or frustrating children.  In some rare instances, lying is the sign of a more serious problem, and seeking help is recommended.

Modeling Honesty

Perhaps the most important action a parent can take to encourage an atmosphere of truth-telling in the home, is to be honest with their children.  This does not mean telling kids everything, but it is important for kids to know that they can rely on their parents to tell them the truth. Parents have endless opportunities to model the behavior they want to encourage.

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